Just One Thing More

Adorable Geek

2011-09-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

Kaisha got her teeth today. To her it was like a gift or a prize or a box of chocolates. She was so excited! Dental assisting version of geeking out. She was adorable about it.

We're still waiting on my mom's property. It's still unbelievable...

Ania is getting a little cold and was trying to convince me tonight that she is very, very sick and needs to stay home from school tomorrow.

I filled the dents and holes in the walls, especially up and down the stairs, from moving (there were lots of dings when we moved in from the renters that were here before us) and spray spackled them. All ready to paint tomorrow. Same color. Just without the dirt and stains and holes.

Showed my mom where to pick up Alissa when she has swim practice up at Western. I am counting the days until Alissa is 16 and can drive herself places! I love that she is on the swim team, but the driving is hard. Three mornings a week at 6AM and five afternoons a week to/from the different pools. Plus team parties and Young Life and youth group and extra credit stuff. Then walking the little girls to/from school ten times each week. It's a lot. It just started and I'm already feeling a bit worn out. It'll get interesting next week when I start my 18 credits. Ahhh, life can be crazy!

Swim!

2011-09-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

First, just to get it out of my system, I cannot wait for the day when nobody cries themselves to sleep in my house. Someday my sweet Ani-girl will have grown entirely out of the bedtime blues. Right? I have to remind myself that the intermittent bedtime sads are MUCH better than the nightly 2 1/2 hours nightmare we were going through last October. Those were like whole little lifetimes in and of themselves. Everything from rage to giggles to control issues to heart breaking sadness was happening EVERY night. Many nights I ended up in tears at 11pm. And the poor little girl was getting up and going off to school the next morning on only a little bit of sleep. Oh my gosh, it was horrible. This is so, so much better. She often goes to bed without any drama. Ahhhh. The problem is that I hope for that every night and when we hit a bad night it's rather taxing on me. This is where being a single mom hits the hardest. Between about 7pm to 10pm. I'm so done with the day. So tired. And then if she is sad it's just the beginning of a couple really long hours. Tonight I had to be at the high school for Parent's Night, so she didn't get home and in bed until 9pm. But it only took her an hour and 15 minutes of crying and sadness and calling me. Much better than 2.5 hours. Right? It's getting better.

Kaisha and I went to Everett to watch most of Alissa's first meet! Most, because I had to be at Parent's Night at 6pm. Ha! Spread a little thin at times! Kaisha and I had such a fun time! Lots of time in the car to talk about life and just be happy together. So, so fun. We stopped at the Seattle Outlet Mall and did some amazingly quick shopping. She found shoes for the wedding on Sunday. Breath of relief, they go with the dress AND the earrings. Pretzels for dinner. Starbucks for energy. Found the pool without getting lost. Then the fun begins.

A little photography talk. I took my zoom in hopes of getting better pictures. It's HARD to get good pictures at a swim meet! But the aperture just doesn't open up wide enough to keep the shutter fast enough to keep from getting blurred shots. So, out comes the trusty 1.4 fixed lens. Light and shutter problems gone, but some photo editing needed to crop out the extra stuff that the distance creates. I love my 1.4.

See? Most swim shots get deleted because of this. You can't always get their actual face. But you definitely get the splashy water thing going.

Love watching the girls cheer on their friends. They cheer to a beat...only yelling "go" when the swimmer's ears actually come out of the water.

It means so much to Alissa when we make it to her meets. I try to get to know the girls and talk to them. A bunch of really nice girls. Julie. Maddie. Keegan. Chloe. Abby.

The girls got their new team suits today. Storm colors and lightening on them! Way cool for being Squalicum Storm.

Spaz.

These are what the girls are given for each event they swim in. Alissa is on varsity. Freestyle is her stroke of choice. She swam on two relays and a 50 Free and 100 Free. Her 50 Frees were in the 29/28 second range. Great times for her first meet and only three weeks of workouts under her belt. And this pool didn't have any blocks so her starts were all off the side of the pool. Much slower starts that way.

See what I mean? Good swim shots are hard to get. Splashy water shot instead. But the splashy shots are a little bit fun too. The best stroke for pictures are the butterfly, which Alissa didn't swim.

Alissa and her friend, Chloe. See the cool lightening on their suits? And Alissa is using a pair of goggles that are very old school. No rubber on them at all. She seemed to be allergic to it. So glad Riley found her this kind to try. They're working way better.

You rock, Alissa. You know it. So proud of you.

Textbooks

2011-09-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

I bought more of my books today. It's a little bit like Christmas.

Although, I am a little jealous of Alissa's Forensics class.

Too fun. We have too much fun over here.

On Forgiveness

2011-09-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

as we forgive

Stories of Reconciliation from Rwanda

by Catherine Claire Larson

A friend gave me this book last November. I read the first few pages but then purposely didn't look at it again for six months. It was too gut wrenching. Too much brutality and pain and deep sadness for my already sad self to take in at the time. This summer I've loved it. It has filled in some holes in my understanding of forgiveness. I still feel like I only really understand the tiniest bit of what forgiveness is and how it works but I sense that it's key to all my tomorrows being ok. Bitterness looks awful to live with. I want to be whole and happy and healthy emotionally after this past year, not wracked with unforgiveness or anger. I'm doing good. I just want to wring out every drop.

This book follows the stories of six Rwandans' lives before, during, and after the 1994 genocide their country went through that left every 1 in 8 persons dead in just three months time. Not just dead, but horrifyingly murdered, often by yesterday's friends and neighbors. Years later the perpetrators were released from prison in groups of tens of thousands. Most of them headed home where their families were...where their victims families were. Can you imagine the tension? Rwanda became a drama for the world to watch the incredible depth of forgiveness and reconciliation that the human soul is capable of producing, truly with God as the source.

I would sit in bed reading this book at midnight with tears pouring down my face. These stories are unbelievable. But I didn't walk away thinking that my pain is somehow wimpy or insignificant because nobody has killed my children before my eyes. Minimizing my own hurt, though seemingly irrelevant compared to what happened to these people in Rwanda, isn't part of the answer at all. You can't minimize your pain and work through it simultaneously. One friend told me recently that you have to lean into the pain. Feel the full force of it. It's only when you've let the hurt have freedom to hurt that you can hope to come out of it clear headed and done. Maybe its easier said than done. I'm not really sure.

You often hear people say, as the rational to forgive, that you need to forgive for you. That unforgiveness or the churnings of resentments inside you will mess you up. You can get physically unwell. It will eat at you. Forgive so that you can be healthy both physically and emotionally. I think it's all true. And of course, there is the ultimate biblical obligation to forgive. God has completely forgiven you in Christ and you have no hint of rightness to not forgive your brother. I'm on board there too. I've thought a lot about the New Testament writings on forgiveness.

But there were new thoughts in this book. The one that was huge for me is that forgiveness is a gift you give to the offender. And that the giving of this gift is hard and painful. Giving forgiveness is priceless and an ultimate kindness. There is nothing greater that you could ever give to that person. And giving forgiveness to the person in your life that deserves it the least is really hard to do. As a matter of fact, it's so hard that it hurts. Gut wrenchingly so. But if you can press into that pain and make the choice to forgive, you've done something huge. Something bigger than yourself. Something deeply right in response to something deeply wrong. Who wouldn't walk away from that and not notice that the sky is a little bit bluer and the sun a little brighter?

"Like everyone who wrestles with forgiveness, I had to first understand what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness does not mean that what happened didn't matter. It isn't sweeping a crime under the rug. It isn't saying the crime was a misunderstanding. It isn't saying that the crime did little harm or that it left no loss in its wake. Forgiveness isn't forgetting. It doesn't have to mean forgoing the established criminal justice system. Forgiveness isn't usually a one-time act, but more commonly a lifetime commitment. Finally, and most important, forgiveness is excruciatingly difficult." (pg. 88) I would also add that forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean you have to go on to have a relationship with that person again. It's ok to be done.

I think about people who won't forgive. There is an incredible amount of power and control that the unforgiving person attempts to retains and holds over the offender. The potential power to make that person feel horrible for the rest of their lives, for example. To plague them with a guilt that even God himself says He is willing to forgive. It seems that the unforgiving person doesn't realize that they, too, are human and fail and sin and offend. Welcome to earth. We actually all stand on equal ground in need of forgiveness from each other. If you're too good to extend forgiveness, perhaps you need to reevaluate your view of yourself. Maybe you're not as neat as you think. And I don't mean that for the person who wants to forgive but struggles to do it. Where do you start? I think you start by getting to a place where you can say to God that you are willing for Him to make you willing to forgive. I don't mean to be cavalier, but honestly...when you can say that to God and really mean it...He'll do the rest. You really can sit back and wait and watch. He is the source, He gives it to you...and forgiveness seems to be one of His specialties.

Saturday Cleaning

2011-09-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

Pretend that there is a bad man that just said that you will be put into solitary confinement for three days if he finds even the smallest speck of dirt on the bathroom floor when you are done cleaning it. THAT was my motivational speech to Mia as I left her to clean the floor. Although dangerously close to threatening, I like to think of it more as using the imagination to illicit high quality work from your uninclined nine year old.

TOMS

2011-09-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

Up early. Coffee. Study. Make lunches. Girls to school. Went on a run. Well, a jog. A short jog. A short, slow jog. Short, slow somewhat pathetic version of jogging. But I did it! Went to three stores looking for matching tile for the basement. Found! Home to shower. Grand accomplishment of the day...completing the 7hr HIV class online in 3hrs, printed off the certificate for PTA school. So glad to get that off my plate! Chat with Jen a little bit. More coffee. Cleaned the house. Hung out with Collin. Two different Grants stop over. Walked to pick up the girls from school. Feed starving children. Pull weeds. Hang out with Kaisha. More coffee. Help Alissa with chemistry and algebra. Make dinner. Say hi to Cody as he comes and goes dropping off flowers to his girlfriend's room while she's at work. Clean up from dinner. Read books with Ania. Little girls to bed. Go over tomorrow's plans with Alissa. Check emails. Blogpost. Study in bed. Sleep. Ahhhhh.

All Smiles

2011-09-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

First day of school.

We walked.

No tears.

Much bouncing.

School Tomorrow

2011-09-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

First day of school for Ania, Mia, and Alissa tomorrow morning! (It was moved a day late due to the strike last week.) We met Ani's first grade teacher today at the Meet & Greet. Loved her. All the first graders in the cul de sac are in the same class. We also met Mia's teacher. Loved her. Mia is one of 11 fourth grade kids in a 4th/5th grade mixed class, along with Mia's friend across the driveway (look out world, the two of them together are magnets for trouble...or at least dirt). One of Mia's friend's from last year is in her class too. The two of them competed in good humor all year for top grades in the class. We were glad to see him take the seat next to her.

Alissa got her schedule last week at the sophomore orientation. She has great classes! Tenth grade English, German, World History, Honors Chemistry, Forensics, & Algebra 2. She catches the bus at 7:09AM when she doesn't have to be there at 6AM for dryland workouts 3 days a week. She's been swimming with the team for over two weeks already. She is about to be rather busy.

The problematic thing is that her unbusyness this summer (spare the fact that she's worked tons!) has totally covered my undoable schedule. In two weeks when I start school I'm not sure how we're going to quite do it. Maybe mom's property issues will be solved and the moving projects completed and angels will come in the night to cook and clean.

I packed the first bento box lunches tonight. My friend turned me onto it, gave me a quick tutorial the other day, took me shopping, and wa-la...first day of school makeshift bento box lunches. I was making it for Mia and Ania and Alissa walked by and asked me to make one for her too. They're kindof lame as far as bento boxes really go...I was tired and couldn't get the rice to pack together and I don't have any books with examples and had no creativity coming so I figured it was close enough. It is my first try, and who knows, maybe my last, but if you never try to do something fun...how boring is that. And for me, if I do the time/energy math I always come up in the red, so I just turn a blind eye to reality and do it anyway, hoping that it all works out somehow in the end. Which is usually does.

Alissa gave me a 10PM curfew tonight, which it is. Good-night!

Photo Tour of Sorts

2011-09-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

Collin moved out. A few days ago, really. But tonight is his first sleep at the guy house because he's been touring about in Montana instead of tending to life in the Ham. The three girls and I went over to see his new local. Here are a few images of the eventful event.

Note the blue chair. The coveted blue chair. The everybody-wants-it blue chair. I bought this chair when I was pregnant with Collin. A comfy recliner rocker for babies. The kids all grew up loving this chair. They grew up to fight over this chair. Evidently, Collin won because this ultimate seat followed him to his new place. Most of the house isn't set up yet. He was going to get his room set up tonight.

Guy shoes by the door.

Faded beauty in the kitchen.

Serious ability to annoy the neighbors.

Weapons.

More weapons...threatening the photographer.

Roommates.

Cool flowerlike thing in the front yard.

Pink. Sadly pink. Notice the cat...using their front flowerbed as a litter box.

Five guys. Three bedrooms plus a garage bedroom. Good location. Pretty cheap rent. It's perfect.

A Certain Kind. He's It.

2011-09-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

This just in from Idaho via text.

My son. The only one I have. The only son a mom would ever want. He's right next to an angel in my book. The sum of his faults lies in dirty dishes on his bedroom floor and an amazing inability to wake up to an alarm unless it's ringing for something fun.

He's awesome. When I was young and having babies I didn't really want a boy. Boys are dreadful. They bounce off the walls and break things. They are loud and dirty. I prayed (I'm not kidding) that if I had to have a boy that it would be a certain kind of boy. One like Collin.

Said son, at this moment, is half way to Billings, Montana with two of his friends. In my car. He deserves a few days off, he's worked hard all summer. Him and two of his friends going to visit two of their friends. 26 hours of driving for a 48 hour visit. Love it. Happy to lend them my good gas mileage.

And right before he hit the road, he moved out. Loaded up his stuff in my dad's truck, drove two miles away, unloaded it. A perfect move-out scenario. We pretty much think the world of each other in that mom/son sort of way. No negative vibes. It's all good. He's ready to let his alarm go off for an hour and a half in a different house every morning. I'm ready to watch him succeed at school and work and paying bills and grocery shopping... all without a mother hovering in the background. We'll text everyday, he'll come over to study and eat, we'll see each other at church and at school, for that matter. He'll run out of money or decide he doesn't want to take out student loans and I'll invite him to move back in. It's perfect. He's perfect. I'm perfect. It's all perfect.

Fishing

2011-09-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

Collin and Grant went fishing. Collin came home with two salmon.

Collin's chosen method of cleaning his fish...aka Cody.

Raw. Fish

Collin tastes it. Eww gross.

2011-08-31T23:53:00.000-07:00

If you are very adorable sisters...

And you accidentally wear matching outfits one day...

Your mom might just have to do a 10 minute photo shoot in the entryway.

The bigger sister might attempt to teach the little one to pose like a fashion model...

Changing your pose with every click of the camera.

These girls. Love them.

Textbooks, Theology, and the Last Days of Summer

2011-08-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

Mia and I hung out together on the front porch for a while this afternoon. Quiet. Warm. Peaceful. I was reading a textbook. She asked me to read it out loud. So we learned about tissue damage and healing and the possible negative systemic effects of different types of burns. And we played with play mobile.

I can get so sidetracked on the internet reading theology blogs. This is my recent favorite. Here's a part of Tullian's recent interview with Mike Horton that pushes me to think. In my next life I want to come back as a theologian. This stuff is so cool. (Did you get it? The joke about reincarnation and being a theologian? It really was just a joke.)

Law is everything in the Scriptures that commands and gospel is everything in the Scriptures that promises God’s favor in Christ. If we confuse these, we’ll weaken the law, lowering the bar to something that we can (or think we can) actually clear, and we’ll make the gospel anything but good news.

The Triune God directs us by his law, but delivers us by his gospel. This distinction was not only crucial to Luther and Lutheranism but to Calvin and Calvinism. The gospel is never an exhortation for us to do something, but an announcement of something that God has done for us. We are called to obey the gospel—that is, to embrace it, but the gospel itself is the good news about what God has done for us in Christ. Beza said that “confusion of law and gospel is one of the principal sources of the corruptions in the church.” Ursinus, primary author of the Heidelberg Catechism, said the same. So did the great Elizabethan Puritan William Perkins, as well as John Owen, Charles Spurgeon, and Charles Hodge. On and on we could go. So when some say that that this is merely a Lutheran distinctive, it is ill-informed. It’s routine in our standard theological works and, as I said, it’s woven deeply throughout our whole Reformed system in the covenant of works-grace scheme.

It’s easy to see when law and gospel are being confused when Rome says, “Do penance and you will be saved,” or Charles Finney says, “Perfect obedience to the law is the necessary condition of present justification.” It’s more difficult to recognize that the gentle, affirming, smiling stream of exhortations and life coaching in our day is also a form of law (not necessarily biblical) that is often presented as if it were the gospel.

Fashionista

2011-08-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

She is quite sure. Fashion design is her chosen future. Calvin and Dior need to take in their up and coming competition. She has notebooks of design drawings. She loves magazines and fabrics and notices textures. She pulls colors in from every angle. Ruffles. Flounces. Ribbons. More IS better.

Lucky for Mia, she has a sewing grandma. THIS creation is Mia's first real life design. She drew it up, explained it to grandma, picked out the fabrics, and practically paced the floors while grandma sewed it. You should have seen her eyes light up when it was finished. Thirty seconds and she had it on. Five minutes later she was accessorizing it.

And the world should know that Buckbeat was lost for 48 heart-wrenching hours, causing bedtime-trauma of untold pain, driving many of us to pray in a self preserving sort of way. Phone calls to friends, text messages sent in hopes of discovering a clue or motive, and even a 10PM crisis call to Haggen's customer service. Would a stranger know that this disgusting, surely viral loaded dogish sort of thing is actually the reason for one person's daily breath? They wouldn't take judgement into their own hands and rid the world of one more vermin? We hoped. We prayed. We found it. In Kaisha's clothes hamper.

*Sigh*Relief*Sleep*

Forty-Eight Hours

2011-08-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

My brother gave smell-good colored pencils to Ania. I love them!

A great day. A great weekend. But totally exhausting. Do you think we'll get to relax in heaven? It's ten pm on Sunday night and I'm not so patiently waiting for my littlest crying person to fall asleep so I can do something besides wait for her to fall asleep.

Nicole's bridal shower that my mom and I put on was a smashing success. Nicole is darling. Darren is perfect. The wedding is just around the corner. And they were showered with gifts, mostly for camping! Who can beat that?

Ania lost another tooth this weekend. She was so, so proud of herself because I promised not to touch it and told her that she could pull it out when she was ready. She could hardly wait to come home to show Cody! And I learned that the tooth fairy builds a castle with the tooth after she claims it. How did I miss that for 44 years?

Garage sale, done! I think garage sales are like having babies. Ten minutes after you're done you promise yourself that you will NEVER do that again, but ten days later it's all forgotten and two years later you're having another garage sale! Ugh. This one was definitely more about scraping up some money than getting rid of stuff. But both things were done and life is simplified a little bit.

I've spent the whole week moving things. Moving our things out of the basement. Moving the office to my room. Moving the TV room into the office. Moving Kaisha into Alissa's room. Moving Alissa into half of her room. Moving garage sale stuff up to my mom's house. Moving the weights into the garage. Rearranging the garage. Watching my awesome renters move their truckloads into the basement. Next week will be watching Collin move out. I'm super excited for him!!

My mom's property...wow. It would make the most intriguing, deathly boring novel ever. Basically, one guy on the city council (who will not have my vote in the next election :), wanted a clause added to their statement requiring the property owner to sign a contract with the city re: watershed regulations, which, just like the water issue, was already ironed out over the 5 years my father spend on the short plat. He spent 20K on that issue, hired multiple engineers and a construction company to install curtain drains and storm drains, etc. He also hired a land use attorney to work through impervious surface issues etc. So, mom's buyer is working on those issues with the city and the county now. ALSO, although my mom is in the county, they seem to be unable to decide under whose jurisdiction her property falls...the city or the county. So, they seem to want to impose BOTH sets of watershed regulations on the property now. The buyer, a very able realtor that has worked through untold number of watershed projects in his years, said yesterday that he has NEVER seen anything like what they are doing to my mom's lots. He sat in a room in city hall last week with 8 city workers from different departments ALL working on ironing out what they were going to require next. Your tax dollars hard at work. That said and ridiculousness aside, we have not met a single person through this process that we didn't actually like very much! They've all been kind, pleasant people. It's just the web of the system gone bad.

Bottom line, when the sale closes and her money is in the bank, then maybe we'll buy bottled soda's and toast to the rest of our lives without thinking another thought about city politics.

Little crying person stopped crying. Now the fun begins! Alissa and I are so addicted to watching Bones. It's really going to reek havoc on our grades this fall.

Old Friends

2011-08-24T16:45:00.000-07:00

I recently got together with five old friends.

They're all very amazing women.

Old friendships that are as new as yesterday are the best.

I loved seeing how God has taken each person through ups and downs and held onto each of us all the way.

A Few Thank Yous

2011-08-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

We spent most of our day cleaning, rearranging, and organizing. We're making room for renters in the basement next month. Thank you to each of you that have inquired about our little spot of rental real estate. We're super excited for who might be down under soon!

Thank you to each of the 186 "unique visitors" that have visited my blog the last few days, checking in on my mom's property situation. And thank you to each one of you who have written letters to the city council on her behalf. You have until first thing Monday morning to shoot off a brief letter if you are still thinking of going to bat for her. Here is a paragraph that one friend wrote...love this:

It is imperative for public officials with power over the citizens, in this case land division and all the related requirements including water, to be professional, knowledgeable and provide reliable information. Land division is a long process and there is no excuse for government officials to not take the time to be able to provide accurate information on a process as painful and expensive as platting. If water was going to be refused it should have been refused long ago before the government took her money without providing her a service and long before the Thaut’s were allowed to have spent $50,000 to complete a process that would apparently never be allowed to be fruitful.

The council meets at noon on Monday and then again in the evening. And really, a simple letter is wonderful too. This friend has fought his own land use battles (and won!) so he has a unique angle on the whole thing. See this letter from another friend that is also helpful to mom's cause:

Dear Members of the Bellingham City Council,
My name is XXX and I lived in Bellingham for 22 years and have been a Whatcom County resident for 43 years. I am writing to you today asking that you would please rule favorably for Judy Thaut. This appeal is not for grace but it is for wisdom and courage in your decision as you have the opportunity to right an injustice that has befallen this dear woman. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Please pray for a favorable outcome for my mom. It would be so, so nice if (along with favorable) we could get a definite answer on Monday too. We're both so worn out from this. It's consuming. And my full time classes start up in a few weeks. I need to be done so I can focus on kids and school. My mom needs to be done too. This has been a huge interruption to normal life with terrible, almost daily, ups and downs. It just needs to stop.

Thank you Kaisha and Mom for this beautiful painting for my very blank walls. I love it. Happy birthday, to me!

And thank you, to Collin's friend, you know who you are, perpetual Favorite Person, one of my OtherSons that I love to death, for this incredible orchid! I've never owned an orchid in all my life. I absolutely love flowers, especially in the house! But I have too many kids to attempt sustaining plant life as well. I didn't know orchids are so simple. It only needs a good soaking about once a week. And the flowers stay for months! And look how perfect it is in this corner. I love this!

And thank you everyone who has been ordering jewelry! This picture is a special order that one friend had me make for another friend. I love it. Today I put 4 necklaces together for someone. This is a great time, before school starts, for me to be putting in extra time on orders. Ahhhh. It's been a crazy busy week. I cannot wait for things to slow down and I can get more study time in. Sounds so relaxing. Maybe tomorrow.

If Ever a Favor was Needed, It's NOW! Please?

2011-08-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

Here’s the story of my mother’s living nightmare:

My parents built a house on a one acre lot when I was a little girl. The property (3690 Haggin Rd) is just outside the city limits and now in the Lake Whatcom Watershed. My dad spent five years going through the process to subdivide this lot into three lots. One lot with the existing house and two other buildable lots. My dad completed the short plat officially about a year ago. He spent those five years going from the city to the county and back again, along with many places in between, jumping through every hoop he was told to jump through. It was a full time job. He spent over 50 thousand dollars of his retirement savings to complete this project, knowing that he would recoup the money when the first lot sold. They were able to put the lots on the market over a year ago, listing them at the higher end price. After my father died in April, my mom wisely lowered the prices and quickly reached mutual acceptance with a buyer (a wonderful man, Chet Kenoyer).

During Chet’s feasibility study, the secretary at Water District 7, sent a letter to the city asking, (in error, because we had clearly been granted water service already) for “new water service”. The city wrote back, “no” (because after the 2007 lawsuit between the city and the water district, in which even the FBI was involved, they are bound to only always say “no”). This began a snowball of unfortunate events. We’ve attended meetings with the water district and their commissioners, spoken to numerous people in city hall, made phone call after phone call, only to have it land first on the desk of the city attorney and now on the agenda of the city council this coming Monday evening, August 15th. A closed doors meeting. Prior approval of water service to the lots was granted during the five year process and is documented in many ways. Water District 7’s attorney submitted a long document to the city attorney showing that every single signature along the way was written with the understanding of water services granted by the city.

Basically, my mom is caught in the crossfire of politics at its ugliest. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve stood in city offices last month only to have the people on the other side of the desk glance over both shoulders to see if any of their coworkers are listening before they lean in and lower their voices to speak to us! Everybody is afraid of everybody, it appears. They will confess “off the record” that they believe we clearly have rights to water and then refer us on to the next guy. We’ve been told over and over that Water District 7 should never have asked the question in the beginning but should have just provided us with water. It really comes down people jockeying to protect themselves and their departments from being sued and to which group is least likely to win in a lawsuit...which is my mother.

If the council votes against her it would makes her property worth little to nothing. It would mean that she lost 50k of her retirement money. It would, in essence, mean that the City of Bellingham would have stolen from one of it’s finest citizens. This is all so clearly wrong.

My mom and I need your help. Would you do us a personal favor and write a letter to the Bellingham city council members? Their email address is: ccmail@cob.org . Please send a copy to my email as well: kristine3140@gmail.com .

Even though you don’t have first hand knowledge of my mom’s stack of papers you can appeal to the council to rule favorably for her. Safe drinking water is great...but at the expense of an old lady’s future? Are the two mutually exclusive? The value of her land is her retirement money. She has no backup plan financially. If you are a longtime Whatcom County resident you have every right to weigh in on this situation.

You can imagine the incredible difficulty for my mom to go through all of this without my father. He died in April. She misses him terribly. And now to have his project torn out from under her without his first hand knowledge to help untangle the mess. This has been a nightmare.

Here is a copy of a Letter to the Editor I wrote a couple weeks ago but haven’t yet sent to the Herald. It explains it all from another angle:

We may be gaining a future of clean drinking water, but look at what we’re losing in the process.

There is a sweet old lady who has lived in the watershed long before the term was common vernacular. She is kind. The kind of old person you would hope to be someday. You probably even know her. She would give you the shirt off her back if you expressed a need for it. She has contributed good to this community her entire life.

You could chart her life by snapshots of her at the Ski to Sea parade every year. One year playing clarinet in the BHS marching band parade under Ralph Pauley; a few years later watching with a baby on her lap; later cheering her nieces and nephews as they marched and helping her aging mother find a lawn chair; still later enjoying her grandchildren all lined up on the curb in front of her as the parade goes by.

If ever there was a Mrs. I-love-Bellingham, she is it.

Her husband died just three months ago, but not before he received final approval from Whatcom County to short plat their one acre lot into three lots. It took him 5 years and over 50 thousand dollars, borrowed from his retirement savings, before he saw his little square of real estate made ready to sell. Two months after his death, mutual acceptance was reached between the widow and a solid buyer. The economy forced the price sadly low, but she stayed hopeful that it would be enough, if stretched just right, to provide for her future.

But now this dear lady is caught in a crossfire of politics at its ugliest The water access that she paid for and has page after page of approval signatures for is suddenly being withheld. Not because her documentation and proof is unsatisfactory, but because after the great lawsuit of 2007, that had nothing to do with her, each political player seems primarily concerned with lawsuits rather than honoring the commitment of water to these lots. Likely the very people she elected, the people whose wages are made of her tax dollars, do not have the guts to do right by her. It seems as if self or departmental protection is the sole priority.

She cries herself to sleep wishing her husband were here, thinking that he would know what to do.

I want to be proud of Bellingham and our clean, eco-friendly ways. The direction and the goals of our community are good. But can we not meet those goals without robbing from the people that make us possible?

There's Always Tomorrow

2011-08-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

Wishing there was enough time in the day to do everything. Like make s'mores, go buy bricks at Lowes, and watch a show with Alissa.

But I did have coffee with an old high school friend today.
And picked up Alissa after a bike crash that left a great need for dental work on Monday morning.
I watched Ania pull the rear view mirror off my dad's truck this afternoon from across the yard. (There is always something newly broken that needs fixing.)
I shoveled a load of dirt into it's new home along the front of the house.
And enjoyed the sunshine!
I had time to read in my book about kinesiology and another about forgiveness.
And I'm super excited about church tomorrow in our new bigger, better, beautiful building!!

All Within Days

2011-08-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

Cousins. All starting 4th grade in the fall.

They are born only a couple weeks apart. Or a month. Or something.

Jagger, on the left, is my cousin Jon's oldest son.

Landon is my cousin Darren's oldest son.

You have to admit...it looks really fun to be Jagger!

We Came, We Saw, We Sold Stuff

2011-07-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

My beautiful girls. I adore these two.

A couple months ago we signed up to sell our handstamped copper necklaces at the Samish Island Art Festival. We've been looking forward to the day together for a long time. It turned out better than we hoped.

The necklaces we made. Mia helps color the letters and polish and wax the copper. I cut the copper out of sheets and sand the edges. I stamp the metal and make beads ready to go with them.

Alissa. The brawny one in all things heavy. Set up the canopy. Carry the table. Look cute. Pick up the necklaces when the wind blows them over. Make rolly eyes about the old lady in a nearby booth that flirts with the old men. And you should see her shudder at the shamefully tacky crafts that are ever present at such events. The stuffed Christmas tree table centerpiece was my favorite.

My partner in crime. Money counter. Record keeper.

Surely one of the few hooded people on this sunny day.

Not too hot. Perfect weather!

When things were slow, we did what I'm sure everybody does in such situations...study German flashcards. We had a blast. Mia was so into it.

Happiness.

Grandma, the ever present help. Trips to the bathroom. Trips to the beach. Maker of the p&j sandwiches. And of course, Aunt Caroline & Lakya came for a while...Uncle Tony & Aunt Sandra...cousin Gail. Samish Island is Clarkfamilyville.

Ania's favorite part was Cody coming to hang out. I wish I had a picture of her holding his hand walking around through all the booths looking at things. Then he bought her a soda. Awwww. Ania also loved the live music. Who knew a 6 year old could be so enraptured by a female barber shop choir? She kept coming to get us one at a time to go watch with her. She did really great all day except the part where she and Alissa were alone in the booth and she kept burping and saying, "stupid crap." Ahhhh...manners of the last child just don't come easily.

We had a great day.

Tupperware Fundraiser

2011-07-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

My neighbor, Shari, and I have an unlikely friendship. Only a driveway separates our houses but we do almost all of our talking on the phone in five minute pieces. Between the two of us we have 9 kids and almost no windows of free time at the same time. She invites me everywhere and I never go...but she knows I want to. She thinks the world of my kids, imperfections and all. Alissa says that her baby is the cutest EVER white baby on the planet. Alissa, who really cannot stand babysitting, jumps at the opportunity to babysit Shari's kids for free! Shari is full of energy (she's a personal trainer and often goes running with her 4 kids on bikes or in the jogger and takes her dog AND our dog too!) and has a huge, huge heart. She's been through hard things. She spills out compassion for others that go through rough times. She recently approached me asking if she could have a Tupperware Fundraiser for Alissa. She started selling Tupperware a few months ago and the company has a method of allowing consultants to raise 40% of party sales to go toward whoever they chose. Alissa has been working and earning and saving money to turn out for sports and pay all school related expenses next year at Squalicum and the proceeds of this fundraiser will go toward those fees, as well as team gear. We are hoping to have the money earned before practices start in August 22nd.

The above link should take you to the page to shop online for Alissa's fundraiser. Thanks for looking!

Tullian. My New Favorite.

2011-07-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

Loved this off Tullian Tchividjian's blog:

By nature, you are completely addicted to a legal method of salvation. Even after you become a Christian by believing the Gospel, your heart is still addicted to salvation by works. In your heart you still want to make the duties of the law come before the comforts of the Gospel. You find it hard to believe that you should get any blessing before you work for it. This is the mindset you tend to fall into: You sincerely do want to obey the laws of God. Therefore, to make sure you obey the law of God you make all of God’s blessings depend upon how well you keep his law. Some preachers even tell you that you had better not enjoy the blessings of the Gospel! They tell you to diligently obey the law first and that only by doing this will you be safe and happy before God. Just keep in mind, however, that if you go this route, you will never enjoy your salvation for as long as you live in this world.

Commissioners and Soy Sauce

2011-07-22T23:43:00.000-07:00

My normal daily life is pretty much over the top busy. I try to not think too hard about it lest a nervous breakdown show up on my doorstep some morning. But this week...um...ya. Way, way, way over the top.

First, there is the spilled milk sorts of things. Only try a Costco sized bottle of soy sauce basically exploding in the kitchen when a unnamed person sort of missed the counter. Of course, it had to be just as I was on my way out the door to meet with city officials to beg for mercy or common sense, whichever they are willing to come forth with first.

And my favorite part of the week has been the summer version of the flu. Flu in the summer is twice as wrong as flu in the winter. And I'm now viewing the 24 hour throw up flu as the friendly version of the flu. It's way more pleasant to puke every half hour all night long rather than sit on the couch with a fever for seven days. And, it couldn't be just one person with a fever for seven days. It has to be four. So far. Which says nothing of the severe seasonal allergy turned to bilateral conjunctivitis along with a suspect bacterial infection AND the flu. Poor Ania. So, of course, you go to the doctor, which just about gives her a panic attack (I'm not kidding), and then when you go to fill the $200 dollars worth of prescriptions they smile nicely and tell you the system is saying you have no medical insurance as of June 30th. So you take your VERY sick person home without medicine and start making dead end phone calls for hours, to no avail. You end up asking the doctor for cheaper medicine, which includes the need to dispense eye drops (um, dropped into her eye!), which is pretty much not an option because of last year's allergies which still produces post traumatic stress syndrome if you even TALK about it in front of her. And, of course, it's hard to get past pink eye when you can't drop eye drops into a person's eyes.

Plus it was my birthday. Which, of course, is mostly a happy thing, except when everybody is too sick to celebrate it, which is totally fine because the next best thing to celebrating your birthday is to keep thinking that you are going to celebrate it TOMORROW and then postponing it another day and another day so that all week long you are about to celebrate your birthday. And looking forward to celebrating your birthday is way better than actually doing it, so it turned out great for me. But the sick people end up feeling a little bit bad about it, and guilt of any form is the last thing you need when your tonsils are almost cutting off your ability to breath. So there is then all the psychological soothing that needs to happen.

And a great thing that happened (but still took hours and my friend says that even good things are stressful sometimes) was that we sold the van and bought a new car. Cody pretty much gets Favorite Person for the next 7 months because he was the impetus behind all of it and now it's no longer hanging over my head as 'one of the big things that needs to get done before I start classes in the fall.' My favorite part of selling the van was the guy I sold it to. I couldn't understand his English to save my life. Like, if someone said, "We're going to shoot you unless you can tell us what this man is saying," I would be dead. And how many polite ways can you say, "What?" on the phone? I felt quite horrible about it. And because he was getting a bank loan and he was a careful buyer with lots of questions (which Cody answered), we had to talk a LOT. By the time we were done we were pretty much best friends because I just flat out told him on the second day at the bank, "Hey. I'm so, so sorry that I can't understand a word you say." And he smiled, explained that he was from Africa (I had figured it out) and from then on out we were tight. I basically babysat his adorable one year old in the bank lobby for over an hour while the banker woman worked up the paperwork. He told me I was a "strong lady" when he found out I have 5 children and no husband and that his wife complains with one child. I assured him that I also complained when I had one child. In the end, they got a great van for a good price and I had money enough to go buy a car that gets decent gas mileage.

Favorite Person had done research to find the PERFECT car for me. I needed great gas mileage, not a white car, and not an old lady car. Cody picked out the year, make, and model of the car he thought would be best. We test drove one in Lynden (while sick people were babysitting sick people at home), then drove to Woodinville to drive another one. Cody won rewards in heaven when he did not take the ripe opportunity to mock me when, after we decided to buy the car in Woodinville, I realize I hadn't brought my checkbook. (I don't carry one anymore, which is a fabulous method unless you are buying a car out of town.) The next morning, Collin and I drove back to Woodinville, paid for everything, completed all the paperwork, became best friends with the kind Russian man, looked at 40 pictures of his 18 year old daughter on his cell phone, said all our goodbyes, got into the NEW (to me) perfect car...only to be unable to start it. *sigh* It so fit my week. Collin comes over, "Mom, push the gas pedal down!" (Really? Oh, duh, silly me! jk I had been pushing the gas pedal.) He tried it. No start. Probably my favorite moment of the week was when I walked back into the office at the little dealership to tell them the car wouldn't start. It was SO worth the look on all their faces!!! Haha. The car was out of gas. It's been perfect ever since. LOVE my new car. Thank you, Codance!

And all of that doesn't even get into the biggest, horriblest thing. It's really the topic of another blogpost. Or, actually, a letter to the editor of the Herald (which I've already written). We've spent hours trying to find someone with guts enough to stop posturing against lawsuits from their political counterparts and just acknowledge that the city and the water district have both given prior approval to my parents to serve the completed, short platted lots with water. We've had a lot of people in different offices glance over their shoulders to see who in the office can hear them, move in a little closer, lower their voices, and say, "You have water. You have documentation. There is no question here." And then refer us on to someone else. We're slowly working our way up the chain of command. We've been to water district meetings with commissioners, to city hall over and over again...ugh. It's criminal. And my tax dollars are paying their salaries. My dad spent 5 years completing the short plat, along with over 50k dollars.

And of course, because the short plat was my dad's project, it's stirs up missing him, which stirs up grieving losing him, which colors all the other stuff I've already written about my week. I can only imagine how badly my mom is hurting through all of this. I know that the kids are far from done working through the sadness of losing him.

A few more weeks like this and it will feel like a vacation when school starts up in the fall. Public apologies to my neglected friends if I've failed to connect or left details unfinished. I think we'll have time to catch up in heaven. Or maybe next week.

Child Labor Laws

2011-07-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

First off...ten points for Codance because he told me he read my blog the other day. He also took Alissa to the store for an ice cream run tonight because Kaisha believes that ice cream fixes everything and there were things that needed fixing. And he does remarkably well in a room full of girls...a five to one ratio tonight. He only closed his eyes and begged for Collin to come home once. Okay....so it wasn't actual begging.

Today also involved tossing child labor laws to the wind. Mia has become a partner in business and fellow laborer in stamped metal. She rocks at sanding, polishing, and darkening the letters. Ania helped too, in between episodes of elevated body temperatures and swollen eyes. Evidently 17 doctor appointments in the last 2 months isn't quite enough for our house of people. I think Ania needs to see the allergist too. I've also taken Alissa to/from drivers ed for 15 classes and 3 drives in the last couple months. She's has just a few drives left to fit in and then the long wait until her 16th birthday.

Collin worked his first double shift this week (16 hrs) and will be getting his first over-forty overtime pay! Despite full time work, he's enjoying the summer off school. Last summer he took 17 credits of summer classes.

Alissa is starting to get some jobs to pay for her upcoming swim season at the high school! Speaking of, she signed up for forensics and honors chemistry for the fall! She pulled an A in honors biology last semester! Little miss 3.7gpa.

Kaisha got into the dental assisting program for the fall and is crossing her fingers for some financial aid to come through. I'm trying to figure out which bank to rob in the meantime.

Oh, and I'm selling my van. Anybody need a great, reliable vehicle? Do call.

Studliness

2011-07-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

I have a temptation to do an adorable little blogpost about Collin and Isaac. After all, they've been friends since as long as they can remember. They're every bit as "awwwww" as Alissa and Grace. But I just know it wouldn't come out right. I would say something sappy or wrong or worst of all I would say something reeking of generation gap insensitivity. I get reprimanded often for using the word "cute" in the same sentence in reference to a guy. Like Stephen...everything about him is cute but my teenagers throw fits if I say that in public, even though he is only 6. And the worst one is (and I think I've grown out of it) is when I refer to Collin's friends as his...uh-huh...boyfriends. It's just a logical step sideways from referring to my girlfriends as my girlfriends. Only, it's not cool. It causes teenagers to put their face in their hands and shake their heads as if someone just died. It's very, very bad. So, we'll just stick with the picture on this one. (Even if Isaac is one of Collin's cutest boyfriends.)

The Spaz Sisters

2011-07-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

We drove 900 miles so that these girls could goof off in front of a camera.

Just like the good old days.

And make it feel like they haven't lived in different states for 9 years.

And know that they still are besties.

And always will be.

No matter how much growing up changes them.

Or doesn't.

Thomasitos committed to friendship with said Scansen girls. Forev-a!

I Wonder What Else The Old Lady Can Do?

2011-07-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

I thought I was amazing until I drove past the little old lady down the street who was pressure washing her driveway a few minutes ago. It goes something like this:

My first 20 years of adult life excluded a list of skills and activities that I have now been learning and tackling with great enthusiasm. Such as barbequing. I was not the cooker of all things meat. Nor was I the pressure washer or the car fixer or the long haul driver. Etc.

I've been impressing myself at every turn lately. I pressure washed everything that could take it. I barbequed the most amazing dinner the other night. I've taken the car to the shop and had things fixed. I have a cupboard full of tools in the garage that I actually use. I have handled extremely stressful, somewhat scarey allergic reactions repeatedly with two of my people. I've been putting in the front yard and helping the pathetic grass get a grip. I threw a gradution party with 40 or 50 people, complete with dinner. I planned and executed a 900 mile road trip with all the kids. I took three kids camping. And spent an hour in the city planning department discussing lot division rules from the 1970s.

All the while cooking and cleaning and laundry and studying and breaking up fights and getting people out of bed and putting people back in bed and making sure the dog has toys and paying the bills and trying to stay in shape and keeping people out of trouble and making sure they are properly educated and entertained because after all it IS summer.

Never mind the fact that my mom made the whole camping trip possible and a friend cleaned lettuce for me for 3 hours for the graduation party and Collin drove almost the whole way to Montana and I have access to doctors for direction with the allergies and that I didn't even know the answer to the mechanic's question about if my car was 4wd or 2wd and that even the old lady down the street can do the pressure washing!

And just to bring it full circle for my theologically astute and thorough friends, the God factor is huge. Believe me, I get that. God is the reason I'm NOT doing a lot of things. Like not not getting out of bed. And not refusing to deal with the 400th stupid problem that someone else created that I have to be the one to clean up. God is the reason I'm not walking out when I feel done. And that I'm not daydreaming ways to escape my responsibilities. He is the reason I'm not losing hope even though some days it seems like it would be quite satisfying to go there for a while.

So, in the end it's not really me that is amazing. But if you don't mind, a part of me is going to keep telling the other part of me that I am.

Graduation, Graduation Party

2011-07-08T22:57:00.000-07:00

He did it. He graduated. Twice at once. From high school and from WCC with his AA degree. He also has his nursing prerequisites finished. In the fall he'll be starting on some classes that will be required to get into the UW (or whatever school) for his BSN later. Statistics, anyone? I'd say he's pretty amazing for being a mere 18 years into his life.

So we had a party. We had his helicopter flying, sensible friend that I would send my baby to the moon and back with. Hi Dylan.

We had the gangster version of his friends. Xbox professionals.
Nice guys that look bad.

Hi Josh. Hi Cody.

We had the cliff jumping, mountain climbing, 120mile running, Grant person that lives in a closet in our basement.

Then the friend that lives down the road and drives a cool car. Hi Nathan.

The Navy Seal friend that will be saving our country from bad guys this fall. Hi Braden.

The married friend that comes late wearing pink girl socks...confidently.

Hi Andrew.

A lot more distinctly interesting, fine young men that didn't make it into the pictures. (Sorry. Photographer's bad.)

And all the girls. What's a party without girls?

And a spazzy sister.

And a heap of chocolate cake.

And old friends, Michelle & Mark.

And Cody & Kaisha.

(btw: thanks for barbequing the burgers, Cody,
and cleaning the kitchen at midnight, Kaish!)

Cousin Kahlan & Uncle Kevin here from Jersey!

And a fine showing of the relatives! Clarks flock to food and festivities.

Even Hannah from Chicago! with her mom, Janet.

These Guys

2011-07-06T20:33:00.000-07:00

Two of my uncles. I feel sorry for people with lame uncles. Mine have always been the coolest.

The one on the right, he runs and bikes up mountains and competes against fast guys and wins. He's mr handy man amazing. He can replace floors and counter tops and build stuff and add onto his house. I remember the day I figured out how totally cool he is. I was in grade school and he was the drum major of the BHS marching band and they marched around the circle at my school. MY uncle was the guy in the front with the tall hat helping every other band person to play right. He gave me a ring for Christmas one year when I was little. It recently showed up out of nowhere and I've been wearing it again.

The one on the left, he cares about people that live in the middle of nowhere (like on the Amazon River) and spends a lot of his time trying to bring them a better life. You could dump a box of scrap metal and nuts and bolts on a table and he could build an outboard motor out of them. About 15 years ago I lived in Olympia and ended up really sick and in the hospital for 4 days and I was really sad from a bunch of hard things that had happened, he called to tell me that everything would be ok and that he was praying for me.

They call me by a family nickname. They are my mom's little brothers. They were there the night my dad died. I was there the night their dad died. They are laid back and easy going and nice. They would do anything for my mom. I earned much of my sense of humor from growing up listening to them joke and tell stories over Thanksgiving pie. They're the best.

One Eye Works for Him

2011-07-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

On the trampoline in Scansen's backyard in Billings, MT

Haircut by Kaisha & Hannah S.

Photo by Kristine

Irresistibility by God

This little girl is all energy. Good energy. And sometimes not so good. But mostly good. She gets frustrated by her own limitations. Just like me. She gets tired and worn out and bored. So do I. She has things to say but she can't always get us to understand. That happens to me. She's completely unique, but just like the rest of us. But she definitely has more battery life than I do. She can run circles around me.

My friends, and Alissa's friends, and Kaisha's friends, (and Collin's friends would be welcome too ...) have been coming over to hang out with Ania and work with her. The one on one time is doing amazing things for her. One of the older kids said the other day, "Is it just me...or has Ania been amazingly mature lately?" I'm beyond thankful for every minute that others spend with her and for the time it gives me to get caught up on other things. (Call me if you want to join Team Ani-girl.)

Her bedtime happinesses are still overall heading in the right direction. She passed her hearing test at the university with flying color and incredible bravery. She loves hanging out with her newfound amazing Uncle Kevin. The new hairdo was an impromptu great decision followed by not a drop of regret. She was born to ride 14 hours straight through on driving trips. And she LOVES camping and the outdoors.

At Uncle Dick and Aunt Karen's property on the Clearwater River in eastern WA

With her Uncle Kevin.

On the drive every 15 minutes she would call out from the back seat, "Uncle Kevin..." And he would say to her, "Hey, baby." That was it. Just double checking that he was still in the front seat.

Pink Puppy in Winthrop. He has issues.
But she loves him ruthlessly despite them.

Summer Work

2011-06-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

Alissa Thomas

Available for Summer Work

yard work: mowing, weed-eating, weeding, pressure washing, general clean up

house cleaning: kitchens, bathrooms, floors, deep cleaning such as kitchen/bath drawers and cabinets, garages, etc.

car washing: inside, outside, etc.

babysitting: I have two younger sisters that have given me lots of experience

mom’s helper: helping with kids or housework while mom is home

I will be a sophomore (age 15) at Squalicum High School this fall. I am trying to earn money to turn out for the swim team.

You may contact my neighbor, Shari Miller, (contact me for her phone #) for a reference.

Call or text me if you would like to hire me.

Yay, Jen!

2011-06-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

It was very scientific. I felt like wrapping up the giveaway. I made a spreadsheet of all the entries...names, referrals, comments, suggested words. I made slips for each person as many times as they earned entries (as per the rules). Alissa cut them up, tossed them in the bowl, fluffed them around, and drew...

Jen! I was so excited for her. She is a friend from church, married to a great guy; they have their first little baby girl. Jen bought a necklace from my etsy store last week and had me send it to a friend of hers who lives far away and is soon to be married. I loved sending it off for her. Jen, contact me to order up your free custom necklace!

Thanks to everyone for playing my silly game, especially Verity in England! You all had great ideas for more pieces to come. Thanks to Kat, Marie, Molly, Drenna, Rhonda...for buying my stuff! I love making them with each person in mind and sending them off as gifts to your friends and relatives. The little girls and I had fun giving them to their teachers and school staff as thank you gifts the last day of school. And I sent some off to all my nieces.

Now I'm getting ready for the Samish Island Arts Festival the end of July.

Sunshine out of Hand Grenades

2011-06-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

I don't really consider myself a writer in the real sense of the word. Writers can write stories. And they love it. And they get paid to write.

But there's a different type of writer, and I am that. Some people have to write so that the thought can be completed...or else they're stuck with unfinished experiences. A character in a novel that I just finished reading said it this way, "Writing helps. When you write about something, when you really think about it, you know it in a different way." I would say that you know it in a complete way. I understood this a lot better in myself when I saw it in Kaisha.

I would keep a blog even if I knew that nobody but God was ever going to read it. My blog is a mixed version of scrapbooking and journaling and it gives me a venue to complete my thoughts. Ultimately, it's all about me. Which is nice because there isn't much in my life that has anything to do with me.

The problem is that you have to be socially appropriate and avoid all hint of defamation of character in a blog. And when large portions of your life are made up of crap, if you will, thrust upon you by others, you sort of have to pretend that those portions of your life don't really exist when you sit down to write a blogpost. So, your personal hell is non existent and your life looks all cherries and sunshine.

Which is why I love the above picture! It's an album cover. I love the colors, style, and earthy-retro look. Flowers and dirt. Love that. But look closer. The flowers are made up of skulls and poisons and bombs and every sort of death and sadness. And so are the leaves and the dirt. I was so surprised when I noticed it. And it was so endearing to me.

If a person can feel a kindred spirit with an album cover...I did. I realized that THIS is why my life looks all cherries and sunshine. Because it is. All the day-in-day-out crappy stuff I deal with doesn't turn my life into a disgusting mess. Somehow, instead, God takes all the skeletons that I keep having to deal with and arranges them in some clever way and makes something beautiful out of it all. Not because I'm beautiful or clever or sunshiny. But because He is. I don't get it on one level. And I don't want to get it on another level. But yet I sense it every day. I see it happening. I'm pretty much staying out of it. I figure He knows what He's doing, even though it looks all wrong at times to me, and who am I to get in His way?

One of Those Nasty Firsts

2011-06-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

image by Caleb Scansen, one of my favorite photographers

check out his Facebook page Caleb Scansen Photography

I had a rather dad-less sort of Father's Day today. The only time I felt tears threatening to appear was when I was putting Ania to bed and we were reading a poorly written children's book that had a story of a family getting on a plane to go visit their grandpa and grandma. She looked at me and said, "My grandpa lives far away." I asked her where her grandpa lives now? She tilted her head, said "um....", furrowed her little eyebrows, tilted her head the other way, put her finger up to her lips, and said, "what's it called?" It's like she was trying to remember the name of the city. Trying to recall Everett or Olympia or San Diego. Like in her mind the only thing she can imagine is that he's just living somewhere else on the planet. Which sort of breaks my heart to think she has an inkling of an impression that he chose to leave. I finally said, "Heaven?" She said, "Ya, that's it." And then we were back onto our nearly plotless early reader.

Yesterday my mom and I were driving to Samish Island for a family celebration and mom said, "Tomorrow is Father's Day." I said, "Ya, that sucks." Which pretty much was all we needed to say. I know she misses him more than she ever though imaginable. And even though I don't cry, (I honestly doubt whether I have a tear left inside my body after my past couple years) I do have a hole inside.

You know that passing, fluttery sense you get when you know you've forgotten something really important but what it actually is that you forgot hasn't quite come to mind yet? I walk around with that. That slight uh-oh feeling. And usually, when you force the complete thought to come, you realize it's just the camera or the water bottles or the field trip permission slip sitting on the kitchen counter and life will go on without it or you'll make an extra trip back to get it. No big deal. But when I stop to register what my uh-oh feeling is about...it's my dad. And that he's not at home tinkering in his shop today. He's not sitting in his chair with the phone next to him on the table. I can't ring and ask him my copper oxidization questions. Then I miss him. But usually not for very long because someone is crying or fighting or locking their keys in their car or getting mono, and I have to go save that child from their latest crisis.

I actually hope the little dad shaped hole in my heart never goes away. I can make friends with the hurt so that I can have the joy of remembering. And when it's my happy turn to walk into heaven I hope it'll be just like we hadn't ever been apart.

Giveaway!

2011-06-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

Mia and two of her homegirls at school.

What you win: your pick of one of the necklaces I've been making. It can be a single or a triple. You can make your own combination of words. It can be for you or I can send it as a gift directly to someone else in your name. You can look at them by using my etsy store link on the left. But I'll send it to you directly, not through etsy.

How you win: get your name drawn from a hat.

How to get your name in the hat: You can get your name in the hat multiple times. Here are the ways...

1. your name will get put in the hat if you leave a comment on this blogpost

2. your name will get put in the hat if you include in your comment words that you think would be cool for me to use on the necklaces I've been making. If the words are not on my current list and I think they're cool too and I add them to my list, then your name will go in the hat as many times as you have cool words. Sorry for saying cool too much.

3. your name will get put in the hat if you are already a "follower" of my blog and you've left a comment

4. your name will get put in the hat if you aren't a follower but you add yourself to my followers (Incidentally, I actually can't decide if I even like the "follower" thing...it's a little weird, but it's a trend and who am I not to follow the blogging trends?)

5. your name will get put in the hat again if you tell someone about my giveaway AND they leave a comment AND they mention your name in their comment.

The contest will close when I feel like it.

I've been making patriotic themes.

Free Something

2011-06-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

Jump up and down! I haven't done a blog contest for a long time. It's time. Something happy needs to happen somewhere in the world and my little corner of it is just the place. Coming soon.

In. In. In. In!

2011-06-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

I got in! It's official. The letter came. Huge sigh of relief to know that I have a working, viable plan to be able to feed, clothe, and shelter my little people for the next decade or two! A brief sadness to say goodbye to my two plan Bs...copy editing and PT school. But super keen to be studying PTA stuff.

I settled on physical therapist assistant kind of the same way I settled on adopting from Korea and not Russia or China or all the other countries of the world (topic for a different blogpost). I wanted something in health care, but it couldn't be gross...I fail at graciously handling bodily excrements of any sort (go, Collin!). I wanted something I could work either part time or full time. Couldn't work night shifts with little kids home alone. I wanted to work with people primarily but paperwork is cool too. A job that could be applied in a variety of settings so I could change it up if I get a little bored later on. A nice balance, preferably, between boring and extremely stressful. I wanted to go to some school, but probably not a ton. Needed to get into and out of school quickly, the sooner the better. And of course, the more money, the merrier.

I put in over one hundred hours of volunteer/job shadow time last quarter at a local physical therapy office and loved it. Completely wished I could go on to PT school rather than PTA. I would love to diagnose and write up treatment plans! I looked into it some and decided it could be a back-up plan to take out a home equity loan and hunker down for 5 years of school. Was almost hoping...but the practical, go-live-life side of me is relieved to have just 5 quarters in front of me instead. Then I can get done with it, get a job, and go on hikes and bike rides and driving trips and field trips and hang with my kids and play more Xbox.

My mom texted me and said, "finally something good happened." It feels like that. Life has been hard for a long time. Well, and I guess going to school full time while being a single mom doesn't exactly look easy...but it's definitely something good.

Ania's class walked to the library.

She got her first library card!

First, you need a fire.

2011-06-05T00:19:00.000-07:00

I've, oh-so, wanted a fire pit ever since we moved here. Today the fates saw to it to make it happen. Which is actually just a contrived, sort of dumb way of saying that we bought one! Well, first you have to know that I pressure washed the bottom patio. Actually, first you need to know that I pressure washed the swinging chair I got for free outside of someone's house a few weeks back. It was green and slimy and my mom had to bring my dad's truck down to get it moved to my house and my kids thought it was disgusting, which it was. But it won't be. Ok, never mind all of that. We'll stick with the fire pit story.

I had to assemble the fire pit.

Pretend that that sounds hard and you're impressed.

Then we had to build a fire. I had actually moved a small pile of wood from our country home a year and half ago because I was so sure we would someday have a fire pit!

Then Mia had to look creepy,
like something out of a teenage boy's video game.

Then we had to be silly because we were so happy
to be moving toward the most awesome smores!

Is more fun possible?

Have you bought the jumbo marshmallows yet? Yummmmm.

Now we're just playing with the camera and flames and marshmallows.

Alissa in front of a camera...

Gosh, Lis, you have the best eyebrows.

Beautiful and sticky all at once.

How could a fun evening get any better?

Braden could show up. Unexpectedly.

Maybe She Won't Notice

2011-06-01T00:03:00.000-07:00

I got this little lecture from Alissa a few days ago about not turning my blog into a blog about my little etsy world. Of course not. I promised. I just have to show this one. Fourth of July is coming. I'm so patriotic at heart. I think about our soldiers all the time. I love my country. And fireworks. And freedom. And bravery. And I always notice the military guys in airports and think about how happy their mamas are going to be to see them. And I cry at all the youTube videos of soldiers being reunited with their wives and little kids. Did you see the ones where the daughter is sitting in her classroom and the teacher already knew and her daddy comes through the door and the look of complete shock on the little girl's face... Ah, I love that.

Three cheers for the red, white, and blue!

Two Make a Party

2011-05-29T22:52:00.000-07:00

When Kaisha and Cody come over it feels like a party. We miss Kaisha when we don't see her for a couple days. It's so nice when she walks through the door. And Cody is Mr. Fun. He goofs around and plays with the little girls. He and Alissa give each other a hard time constantly. He's game for anything. Tonight was Apples to Apples. Even Ania played. Then brownies with peanut butter chocolate chips in the center. And spooning out the brownie batter at the end. Cody even ate chocolate. A tiny bit. How can anyone not like chocolate?

Emesis producing, viral loaded, diseased male. Poor man child.

Tattered.Treasured.Taken

2011-05-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited. I did it. Invented the whole little wheel. I wasn't sure what kind of chain or cord to use and if cord, then how to tie it so that it won't fall apart easily...like Kaisha and my Maui necklaces! So many little details to figure out. Which type of jump ring do I want to use? What size hole? One or three sunstones? And there are a zillion ways to knot the string. Picked the back ground for the pictures. Found just the right location in the house to get the natural lighting. Now to streamline the whole process. It's fun.

Tattered

2011-05-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

I did it! I opened an etsy store. It's called a.little.bit Tattered. Very plain and simple. I'm just at the beginning of getting it going. Who knows, I could bail on the whole thing tomorrow. I really don't have time, but I really don't have time for most of my life, so why let that stop me? Other than buying the supplies to make the pretties, it's free to make a store and pretty cheap to sell stuff.

If there were a story, it would go like this: On my girls weekend away a couple months ago, I came across a book on metal stamped jewelry. I loved it. Came home, bought the book, and showed my dad. He was a metal worker by trade and he was totally into having me come up to his shop and help me get started and show me how to do it. He had stamping letters and numbers that he gave me. I put in a couple orders on websites for other supplies. I was so excited to have a project to work on with him. I pictured hanging out in his cozy, warm shop in the garage...it was going to be the best!

Before my metal stamping stuff was shipped to me, my quiet, kind, devoted dad passed away. I miss him terribly. I think about him everyday. My mom, brother, and I found a handful of tools in his shop that might work for what I was hoping to do. And a week ago I started figuring out how to do it. I have a steep learning curve without my dad to show me. But I've been having fun trying.

I have a dozen different projects in mind, but decided just to start slow. My dad had some copper sheets in his shop, so I started practicing with those. I've always loved the contrast of something earthy and rugged combined with something glitzy and fancy. Like brown paper bags and organdy ribbon. Or dirt and diamonds. I purposely and accidentally don't line the letters all exactly straight or try to keep them centered. And when they don't press into the metal exactly evenly, it's all the better. And I get to hammer the metal to make it look beaten. And when I cut out the pieces it doesn't matter if I cut in a straight line. It's all refreshingly inexact! At the same time, you can shiny it up and put a pretty stone with it. It totally fits my world right now.

I'm ending up with charms that tell my story. Both the dirt and diamonds of my world. Life is hard. You get knocked around, beat up a bit, broken hearted, tattered...both from others and yourself. And just life. Life is hard. Then add death and things get even harder. But enter Jesus! Sent to save us. Rescued. From ourselves, our mistakes and our self righteousness. From the bad guys in your life that hurt you. From just the messed up fallenness of our whole stinking planet. He picks you up, dusts you off, sets you back on your feet, makes you his own. His. Puts a little sign around your neck that says you belong to him. Taken. Tells you that no matter what anybody else says or thinks, you are everything to him. Treasured. And he will walk this icky world with you. He's done it before and he'll do it with you. Loved.

My friend, Marie, is having a blog contest. I'll copy her. Nothing is better than something free. I'll get back to you on it. Alissa told me I need to get to bed. Yes, mommy. Guten Nacht.

Biker Girl

2011-05-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

First time ever...Ania rode her bike to school today! Training wheels and all.

Helmet. Bike rack. Lock. The whole deal. She loved it!

Two Funerals

2011-05-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

I attended a funeral yesterday for a friend that died of colon cancer in her mid 50's. Her diagnosis was 5 1/2 months ago. The service was beautiful. She planned it herself. Her husband was amazing to share the story of her life. They have three great kids. Her love for Christ was evident.

Yesterday was also the funeral (half the country away) of a friend that we had met in China. He was 50. He'd been fighting cancer for years. He left behind two young kids and an amazing wife. Wish I could have attended that funeral. His love for Christ was firm. He was so ready for heaven. He had endured so much pain and sickness.

My friend's dad died last month too. An old family friend lost his mother.

And my dad.

It's a lot of sadness. A lot of holding tight to hope and heaven. I'm not asking why. I think I get it.

Alissa's image

We Weren't Losers

2011-05-20T21:36:00.000-07:00

If you don't eat at Win's, you're a loser.

Or at least that's what their sign once said.

Win's is a hole in the wall burger place in Fairhaven that makes

the BEST burgers and milkshakes.

And every other Friday nights are turning into

the BEST of fun for Alissa and I.

Tonight:

we biked to Fairhaven

got caught in a parade

heard the band play

dodged the crowds

rode through Boulevard Park with the sun shining and bay glittering

saw disgusto creeper man (do ask, there is a story)

landed at Wins

read the Echo

purposefully eavesdropped on the best conversation ever...a teenage boy that plays a certain video game more than he eats or sleeps or lives, yet 5 minutes later was telling what he would do if he were President!!

ate cheeseburgers, chocolate & butterscotch milkshakes

rode back home in 25 minutes

took these silly pictures...

we'll finish the evening with popcorn and movies!

Love my girl!

Run the Numbers. Not Good.

2011-05-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

When you do the math on my Parent of Teenage Girls years, I have ten years down. Thirty-eight to go.

There is Collin, of course, who is 18. And being male, he pretty much rocked out on the whole teenage experience. He brings sanity to an otherwise wrong situation and has and continues to enjoy the perks of not being female.

There is Alissa, newly 15 and fully permitted to drive, who is the quintessential classic teenager. Amazingly strong and mature at the most surprising moments and shockingly dorky when you pretty much expect it. She's far more level headed than I expected her to be at this point. And I have great confidence that she'll be out of her teen years around the age of 21.

Then there is Mia. She's approximately 13 right now, which is a full 4 years ahead of schedule. If you do the math she will be a very pleasant person when she hits 19. The math works like this: a teenage girl is unreasonable and not at all to be taken seriously until they are 23, at which age they finally become nice. So if Mia is four years ahead of schedule and you stop being a teenager at age 23 if you are female, then she should be a decent human being at about age 19. Being that she is actually 9, I have ten years left with her.

Ania isn't anywhere near being a teenager in any form or nuance. BUT she is about as much work as fourteen year old twin girls. My estimated projection time for her is a bit grim. I think it will be about 3 more years until she is only as much work as one fourteen year old girl, which will plateau until she actually reaches 16, at which time she will progress from fourteen to the estimated time of female pleasantry, age 23. So, with the math that is (3×2)+7+9=22years.

Kaisha is twenty-one. She stopped being a teenager about half way through her 20th year. It was the best of surprises, completely unexpected, that she graduated early, since the theory of 23 was developed with her. The other shock was that it wasn't gradual. She was dreadful and then she wasn't. Pretty much overnight. Just ask her.

Total.....6+10+22=38. I have 38 combined years of parenting teenage girls left.

I tend to be a bit of realist and think we should deal with these types of things straight up. Thus this declaration to the world of people.who.have.nothing.better.to.do than read my long, fairly stupid blogposts.

The bottom line? The absolutely obvious conclusion we should all draw?

image by Alissa

Collin might do well to move out. Soon. Before...um...before...hmm. You tell me. What horrible thing happens to victims with toxic doses of estrogen exposure? It can't be good.

Although...two very good things that have come out of the whole unfairness are: one, he's never had a girlfriend. He knows faaaaaar too much about girls to be dumb enough to date one. And two, he will, I would bet my life on it, make THE best husband someday. The girls would be lining up for interviews if they had any idea how completely amazing he is.

For Crying Out Loud

2011-05-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

image by Alissa

I've NEVER been able to get past the way a baby crying at bedtime sort of sucks the last bit of the day's life out of you. You would think that with the fifth child I would have learned how to shrug it off. Not. Even worse, maybe, is a five year old crying at bedtime. Ania's never really done bedtime gracefully. But the last 7 months have been seriously horrible.

Every part of the getting-ready-for-bed process has been crisis triggers for her over the years. Brushing the teeth. Washing the hair. Wearing certain pajamas. Potty issues. Can't find the stuffies. The blankets aren't just so. Etc. All have sparked the nightly meltdown. It's not that she's naughty, although I'm sure there is some of that...its just hard for her. And me. Once she is finally settled into bed, we have civil time. We chat and talk and read and laugh and sing. But as soon as I get up to leave, she falls apart.

She cries, sometimes sobs. She calls to me and asks questions. Fears. Sadness. Completely unsettled. Six months ago it included screaming and anger. Without exaggeration, it sometimes took over 2 hours of this before she was asleep. By the end I would be crying too. And nobody in the house could sleep until it was over.

There were lots of contributing factors in the fall. Kaisha moved out. Which meant that Ania's roommate moved out of her room and it was her first time ever sleeping alone. Then her dad moved away. In the spring, my job shadow hours started before she woke up. So twice a week there was no mommy in the house when she got out of bed. Then her Papa died. I'd cry too. I wavered between gushing with compassion for her to pulling my hair out. It was a nightmare. And at the worst possible time of day for me. I was exhausted and there was never a break.

This past week, with the exception of Wednesday night, she fell asleep every night without crying!!! No crying. No questions shouted out. No whimpering or growling or talking mad to her stuffs. Mostly no emotional meltdown. Ahhhhhh. And she is starting to fall asleep quickly. Maybe within 10 minutes of me leaving the room.

You have no idea how HUGE this is for her and I. Huge.

We have the most adorable bedtime routine now. First, I try to start getting her ready for bed at 7:30. Which usually doesn't quite happen. One great thing is that [drum roll...] she is brushing her own teeth now. *sigh of relief* Some nights I pick out her pajamas [feel the tension] but some nights I let her wear whatever she wants [oh, the joy]. Then I sit on her bed and we basically do a reading lesson for about a half hour. [She LOVES it!] We pray. We sing. I lay next to her while she reads to me. I kiss her. She asks if she can come snuggle me in bed in the morning. I always say yes and tell her I love to see her every morning. I turn out the light, go straight to the bathroom to get her a drink (even if she already had a drink), walk back in with the light off, stand there while she pretends to drink, put the cup on the dresser and walk out.

Last fall I would have paid thousands to have her not cry at bedtime. Now...I would pay thousands to keep it this way.

Stickers and Strawberries

2011-05-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

Celebrating Mia

Sweet 9

Happy Day

Born

Life

Adopted

My Privilege

Complete Adoration

So here's the party. Minus Grandma, who had the sense to leave when the chalk came out. And missing Collin, who is being a responsible human being and attending his evening chemistry class. Earlier though, we had spaghetti dinner and strawberries on mini angle food cakes topped with strawberry ice cream drizzled with chocolate sauce. Unless you were Mia and you had strawberries only because your tummy hurts, like it often does these days.

Then presents that make a bedroom makeover, complete with two colors of wall paint, fuzzy bright pillows, sparkly lime green curtains. Then pastels to draw with after you've read good books while you're wearing your new shoes and your hat-like-kaisha's...all the while eating Skittles. Plus the lime green garbage can that any decent 9 year old would kill to receive for a birthday gift.

Treats on birthdays aren't allowed at school anymore due to kids with allergies. But stickers are in. I stopped by school to drop off 25 sheets of monkeys and fish and bees and frogs for Mia to give to each of her classmates. And the whole cafeteria sang Happy Birthday to her, which, evidently, makes a little girl sit there with big eyes until it's over.

Trippin' It

2011-05-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

Ania's class went to the Light Catcher Museum recently. I was finally able to go with them on a field trip. They had a psychedelic flashy colored lights room. A whole farmer's market. Life sized tinker toys. Everything necessary to keep 20 kids completely over stimulated for thirty minutes. It was awesome.

Cinco de Geburtstag

2011-05-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

Alissa and a bestie, Maddie

The best of buds, as of late

Content with three rolls of duct tape

Best grandma ever!!!

My kids have always been the best sports about my "I can't do full blown friend birthday parties every years" sort of limitation as a mother. Last year we did mega parties. This year, not so much.

My mom, once again, saved the day. She shows up to make the birthday dinner for Alissa just as I'm off to a 5:30PM appointment with the pediatric allergist with Mia. I got home and the waffles are made, the strawberries cleaned, the world in order. Maddie came, last minute, and so it was officially a party.

And Alissa...definitely one of the better human beings on the planet. You know how it's so totally exciting to watch your 12 month old learn to walk? It's a hundred times better watching your little kids turn into good people. The evolution can be a touch slow, and occasionally exhausting, but so worth it!

Alissa is all spunk and kindness. She's cautiously random. She has changed a LOT during this school year. She's empathetic and compassionate. She has an amazing ability to suck it up and keep moving forward when Mr NastyLife (as Kaisha calls it) shows up and knocks over her world. She cares about people. She's not easily influenced toward negative things. She loves Jesus and values the grace extended to her through Him. She loves going to church and youth group and YoungLife. She can do really hard things. She's creative and artistic and has come into her own style; her room is the coolest. She's a huge help to me. She loves her little sisters (not always an easy thing to do). She puts restrictions on my bedtimes and gets herself up and out the door before the rest of us even know it's daylight. She has maintained a best friend long distance for ten years. She's becoming an equal to her two older siblings. And she's beautiful. Oh, and did I mention smart?

Pigtails with an Inner Artist

2011-05-03T14:57:00.000-07:00

Birthday Girl

Her first year really "getting" her birthday.

Her first year with big sister's boyfriend bearing gifts and bringing out her inner artist.

Ania's first birthday where Alissa is totally cool and if you don't believe it read Kaisha's blogpost.

Ania's first birthday in which we all wear her new skirt on our heads.

Saving Cody, who is far too dignified. But not really.

Her first year getting to wear a pink birthday crown at school with a glittering 6 on it.

Her first year going to bed the night before her birthday asking if I was going to sing to her tomorrow.

Her first year not having her Papa come over to celebrate with her. [Side note: I seem to have projected Papa's disdain for having his picture taken onto Grandma, who of course was here!, and didn't subject her to smiling for the camera. That's going to have to end!]

Her first big girl, shiny new bike!

Being 6 looks good on her.

Said Child Turns Six

2011-05-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

Six years ago today, and defying the first law of thermodynamics, energy was born on the other side of the world. A bundle of kinetic energy and absolutely cute.

Happy birthday, Ania!

Bohemian Skirt with a Touch of Crocs

2011-04-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

Ania has about ten articles of clothing that she is willing to wear. You're looking at four of them, unless we count the shoes. Five. To get her to wear anything else is just shy of a battle. I figure I have too many events in my life already, so she wears these clothes a LOT. The trick is washing them when she's not looking.

My mom had promised Ania a quick trip to the park after school one day this week, contingent upon the sun showing up. Which he did. So they went. She asked about Papa. She wanted to know if he was at the dentist? And was heaven a long way? She said she wanted him to come back.

Maybe it's a good thing to have a five year old around to speak bluntly, forcing you to acknowledge a reality that you'd rather ignore. She says stuff that many adults can't say because it's so awkward. I think Ania is growing us up. She's definitely sanding away my rough edges. Fashion wars or honest questions. Either way, she's good for me.

Easter Weekend

2011-04-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

Good Friday Service

Alissa and I go for gelato and watch the sunset and see a movie together

Alissa and I go to the gym together

Collin studies all day

Colored eggs with the Miller kids

Jesus, the Only Hope for me

Family dinner with all five kids, Cody, Kevin, & Mom

Kaisha builds cinnamon rolls

Kevin gives gifts to all his nieces and Collin

He says I have really cool kids

Missing Dad

A Man Showed Up

2011-04-19T23:16:00.000-07:00

image by Alissa

My brother stepped back into my life the other day. Not that he was actually out of my life, but he wasn't exactly in my life. Not like he is now. Today. He's the same guy I knew before. Only different. Waaaay different. Or maybe I'm the one that's different. Either way. He's incredibly cool. And now I can't imagine my life without him. I'm super excited that all of my tomorrows will have him there. I went from having a brother, to having an amazing brother, just when I needed him most.

A Mess of Contradictions

2011-04-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

Isn't there a secret part of you that wants to travel around the world taking pictures of cool garbage cans? Be honest.

I'm so glad this day is over. I would have done anything to skip this day in history. But I also wouldn't have missed it for the world. A funeral is such a mess of contradictions inside you. Loving my dad with intensity, but hating that he died. So proud of him, his life, who he was ... while in complete denial that his life is all past tense now. All too aware that he's gone from this life, but totally expecting him to come quietly up behind me and take his place in the empty chair to my right to watch this funeral with us. Enjoying every thought of him but feeling horrible pain from those very same thoughts.

Don't you think that just one teeny, tiny glimpse into heaven, just a deja vu flicker through your mind ... that it would clear up the whole mess quite nicely? Heaven and hell and eternity and God and sin and Christ and grace and life and time and death ... all of it would become crystal clear. It would be like one of those "ah-ha" moments in life. That one glimpse would give us all we need to live out tomorrow without the conflict of pain inside us. One tiny peek at heaven and we'd all say, "Ooooooooooh. I get it."

I've always loved the George MacDonald quote, "If you knew what God knows about death you would clap your listless hands."

It's right about there that faith has to kick in. Because I don't know, by personal experience, what God knows about death. This side of death, we simply don't get it. Death is so permanent and black and icky. But is it? Or is that just the side that we see and feel? Could there be a flip side? God says there is. An amazing flip side. Evidently death in Christ has a side to it that is permanently beautiful. That if we really could see it we'd all be fighting for first in line to get there.

I've never seen the pyramids in Egypt, but I have faith that they're there ... because someone else said so. I've never seen the streets of gold or the crystal sea or the throne of God in heaven, but I have faith that they're there ... because Someone else said so. Well, uh-huh, I get it that I could hop a plane and see, touch, taste, hear and smell the pyramids and verify them as fact. Well, maybe that's the sort of thing that happens when you pass from this life to the next. Heaven becomes fact.

I don't know. I'm just your average Joe without any great corner on empirical data trying to make sense of my day. I do have faith. Faith in the goodness of God and that truth is in Him. I'm going to crawl into bed now. And clap my listless hands for my dad.

Papa

2011-04-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

I don't have it right now to write a carefully worded, all-that-the-world-should-know sort of post about my dad right now, though there is much to say in that way. He was the dad I would pick out of all the dads. He was the poster boy for the perfect grandpa.

He died tonight. And the rest of us start the painful process of missing him. The days ahead look hard. My heart breaks for my kids and my mom and my brother. And for me. We'll make it. I do know that. Not because we're so strong and able, but because I've seen over and over and over that God gives you what it takes to make it. It's a faith thing. He doesn't fail in this. I don't try to muster up any strength. I just go to bed tired, knowing that whatever is coming tomorrow is covered.

In the ICU

2011-04-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

Alissa's photo

So, my dad is in the hospital on life support as of this morning. The cardiologist said there is a 50/50 chance of his heart being able to sustain life on its own when they try weaning him off the meds and the balloon pump, probably tomorrow. My brother will arrive into town at 2AM. I haven't seen him in years. I can't wait. He's a great man.

I'm waiting for Ania to fall asleep so I can go back to sit with my mom. Mia talked all the way home from the hospital tonight about the losses she has felt the past couple months and how hard it will be for her if Papa dies too. How much can one little eight year old take? My heart breaks for her and for my other kids. Will I have what it takes to walk with them through this grief too? I'm tired. I need to get my PTA school application in. All three older kids have tough academic loads right now. Kaisha is working two jobs. Collin is working part time too. Sigh.

We'll make it. There are no other options. And, maybe Dad will be fine.

Someplace Else

2011-04-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

We went away. For a while. To someplace else.

Last minute. Just for fun.

A lot of Starbucks.

No lack of good food.

I want to move here.

Met a friend's friend. Tasted her wine.

Marie loved it.

Barrels from Europe with cool imprints.

Loving life.

Nixon

2011-04-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

image by Alissa

Mia was asking me about various US Presidents this evening. Facts about Reagan and Ford. Who I liked, who I didn't like. Why. The amount of details I could give her on the Watergate scandal were lacking. Twenty minutes later Collin told me, "Mom, Mia's at the computer watching a 45 minute video on Watergate." She was quite shocked over what Nixon did. And she agreed with the near-impeachment decision. Scandalous. Simply shocking.

Oh, gotta go. Ania just came in the office saying, "Mom, can you take a picture of me? I'm so cute."

Total Fun

2011-04-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

Last Post Continued:

So Kaisha brought me home after our fabulous day together and there were a bunch of cars in the driveway. Always, always a good sign! I love it when Collin's friends hang out. And that's usually what extra cars mean.

We get in the house and not only were the usual guys there, but some favorite extra people. We stand around and chat in the kitchen and I find out they're all there for me.

Later I pieced this together: Dylan planned the whole thing. Made all the phone calls, picked the date and time, bought the DQ ice cream cake!, and ... get this ... came over early and spent the afternoon CLEANING MY HOUSE while I was out with Kaisha! Even the stairs were vacuumed!

The occasion: I had finished a really tough three months of school and they came to celebrate. Note that many of them had finished hard classes too, but being old must count for extra.

We at ice cream cake (to die for).

We went down to the basement and played poker and Halo until 1AM.

Both of which I stink at, but I try.

The take away: Dylan is AMAZING!

Favorite people: Andrew, Abigail, Alissa, Braden, Cody, Collin, Dylan, Grant, Kaisha, Mia and Ania

Thanks for the party!

Her Random Influence

2011-04-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Kaisha texted (because we don't talk other than in person) and said she was planning a day together. Just the two of us. All day. Nothing but fun. Random. Unplanned but planned. It was the best news. Our day went like this:

Coffee at Avellino's downtown. They make their own carmel. The best carmel latte I've ever had. Two guys studying Grudem's Systematic Theology at a table (impressed.) Great people watching. Local event posters all over the walls. Clouds painted on the blue sky ceiling. All the time in the world.

Then next door to see the fancy, totally cool, earthy clothes. We could easily spend a thousand dollars each in 30 minutes. Where's the lottery when you need it? Then to the Black Pearl. No, The Black Market. No. The Purple Elephant? Dang. I cannot retain the name for anything, but we tried on heaps of used, funky clothes. We each bought a couple things. Then to another thrift store. And another. My find of the day: an old fashioned ice cream scoop for twenty-five cents.

Then to Trader Joes. Bought lunch. Smuggled it into the theater and watched The King's Speech together. We sat in the back row because Dustin says you must. Two hours in the dark, engrossed in the problems of a duke rather than our own. So relaxing.

Next we went to Fred Meyers and bought three cheap bottles of nail polish and toilet paper (they had been out for three days?) and went to her house. We sat on the couch painting our toenails and watched an hour in the middle of Pride and Prejudice (the six hour one). She tore me away from Mr. Darcy and took me to a park I've never been to. We watched the sun work on setting.

It was windy. There were railroad tracks and a sign warning us of the perils of stepping onto the tracks, lest we die. Which totally freaked me out. But being either courageous or stupid, we stood on them anyway for a freezing cold photo shoot in the wind. She showed me another park, which felt like a secret park, that I had never been to. New places to hang out. Loved it. Then home. (British accent like in Winnie the Pooh...) And upon arriving home at half past eight, whom should we find but ...

I'll tell you in the next post. It was amazing and shocking and perfect.

World, This is ...

2011-03-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

Cody.

And Kaisha.

And they like each other.

Awwwww.

All Good Things End with Sugar

2011-03-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

the fun of being eight

Mia's school put on a musical. Dear Edwina. An hour and ten minutes of cuteness on stage. Mia was happy to be in the chorus with Shay. Zoya got to be Aphrodite. Mia loved it for her. The last performance was tonight. We ended at Dairy Queen, along with a bunch of the other kids. Sugar with friends. It's almost eleven and she's still wound up.

Mia with Shaylin

the spaz sisters

Leave the Mess

2011-03-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

image by Alissa

cute legs belong to Kaisha

I've never been happier to clean my house than today.

For eleven weeks I've forced myself to walk past the messes. Decent grades and a sparkling house were mutually exclusive. I could pick one or the other. And while I'm onto true confessions, cooking didn't happen either. I think Grant cooked more meals in the past three months in this house than I did. (Yes, I fed the kids. And read to Ania. And watched Psych with Mia. And stayed up late laughing with my older kids. Just the cooking and cleaning didn't happen. No people neglect.)

School won't always be like this. Just this quarter. Future class schedules will be the same or harder, but I won't be going through the stupid life drama that tainted every waking moment of this quarter.

I finished my last Anatomy & Physiology test online this morning, and I have one more exam that doesn't open online until Monday morning at 6AM and I don't even need to study for that one. I'm so close to being done it feels like being done! So to celebrate, I've been cleaning house.

You know how when someone has a terrible accident and they really, honestly thought that they were going to die ... and then they didn't die? And not only did they not die, but they made a full recovery. And then you hear how they see the world in a whole new light? The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the sun shines warmer ... ?

That's how I felt about vacuuming under the couch cushions this afternoon. It was beautiful. I loved it.

I've never been happier to clean my house than today.

Awwww.

2011-03-16T22:21:00.000-07:00

Image by Alissa

A favorite someone sent me flowers recently!

Real ones.

With a vase you can keep.

That are waiting at your front door when you drive up.

Awwwww!

Thank you!

Hi. I'm Kaisha.

2011-03-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

Kaisha does the coolest stuff. She's eccentric in all the right ways. She travels the world and wears mismatched socks. She'll eat anything and is so laid back you could probably steal her future and she'd be ok with it. And you just can't help but anticipate her next outfit!

I am planning to copy her. Not the food or the clothes or the world ... but the theater! She went to a movie by herself. She sat in the back row. She snuck food in. She loved it. She knew she would. I'm going to try it. I just imagine that you would sort of feel invisible. And who hasn't wanted to be invisible? And I just imagine that you would sort of feel like you have a secret that the whole world doesn't even know about. And you would know that you really don't have a whole world secret, but wouldn't it be cool to just feel like you did?

Just for 10 minutes ... I wish I could actually be her!

Purple Skies

2011-03-10T21:20:00.000-08:00

If the sky turned purple, and everybody knew it, but sort of all stood around pretending they didn’t notice ... it would be awkward. It would be far better if someone just said what everyone had already figured out, “Hey, the sky is purple.”

It really hasn’t been unspoken, but now that it’s all official and final with the government and judges and stuff, I’ll just say it. I’ve been officially divorced. It’s been 5 months since he moved out. It’s sad and horrible and not what I wanted. But it’s done. In one sense, it was the end of the world. In another sense, it’s not the end of the world. Hopefully all the gut wrenching part is far behind me now and I can put all of my energy into tomorrow. And I really am excited about what’s ahead. I feel a little bit like a kid two weeks before Christmas. They know that something great is just around the corner ... but it doesn’t quite yet put butterflies in your stomach. I have a lot of joy. I’m actually very happy. A little shell shocked, but somehow happy.

A Girl and Her Colors

2011-03-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

It took three weeks, with a serious push at the end. But we did it. Her room is deeply clean. Only two bags of garbage. Almost all papers with drawings and stories and lists. A true, from-the-heart pack rat.

Mia.

Eight years old.

So many colors on one person.

Perfectly done.

Amazingly pulled off.

Color on her color on her color ...

until she's THIS beautiful.

Not just anyone can make a hand-me-down hat and thirty cents worth of jewelry look this stunning.

Coming Soon

2011-02-25T21:15:00.000-08:00

When my classes are finished in a few weeks I will have 6 months off school before I (hope, hope, hopefully) start the program I'm trying to get into. I may need to get a part time job (only to pay someone to babysit? I could make a whole $2 an hour then! Ha!) But, even so, I'll have some free time again! And these are the things I'm excited to do:

[The reason I say "hope" is because the entry is done by a point system. I won't be getting the point for the BA degree, and I got a couple B's from 25 years ago that they are applying so that will bring my prereqs points down. And other people may have more job shadowing hours/points than I do. Last year they turned away almost half the applicants for lack of space in the program. So, it's really not a sure thing. Please pray! I would have to wait a whole year.]

*organize my photos

*do summer school with the little girls

*scrapbook, knit, and make cards

*exercise - I miss it

*see more of my mom and dad and other family

*read

*study ahead for PTA stuff (my kids think it's the weirdest thing ever that I study before a class starts)

*see my friends again

*meet new people

*watch tutorials about my computer so I can learn more than the pathetically tiny bit I currently know

*follow the Rugby World Cup to watch for Sara in the stands and see Shawn play

*hang out even more with the big kids

*water my flowers, walk the dog, go to the range, cook real meals, drive somewhere ...

... ahh, can't wait.

Two in the Picture

2011-02-24T20:57:00.001-08:00

Love this picture. Two of my favorite people!

The nothing-exciting that happened today:

*schools were running 90 minutes late because of the snow and so we had a lazy morning.

*I did school with Ania in our cozy warm office much of the afternoon.

*Ania and I walked all bundled up to get Mia from school. We took Wellington.

*Alissa used my camera to take pictures with a friend for her photography class after school.

*We washed dishes by hand because our dishwasher is broken.

*There is a huge very dead rat in our driveway.

*There were adorable, tiny paw prints on the front porch this morning. We thought squirrels. But now I'm sort of thinking rat-friends? Ewwww.

*We sorted through books and found some stacks to get rid of. Bliss to Collin. Why does he have such disdain for my books? But then he had me put five of them back on the shelf. He hopes to read this summer! Gasp of surprise.

*And some hard stuff. Four out of five kids having significant issues to untangle before 11 o'clock this morning. Divorce paperwork to figure out. Taxes. The house that I worked at cleaning off/on all day that is a mess right now. The school work that I didn't touch ... yet. An overly tired 5 year old. The afore mentioned broken appliance.

In the end, it was actually a pretty quiet, uneventful, good day.

Oh, really? A phonetic language?

2011-02-18T21:20:00.000-08:00

I have a friend that knits. She knit this hat for Mia for Christmas. Adorable.

I'm waiting for Ania to fall asleep so I can start taking my exams online tonight. The exams are timed. Once you start, you can't afford an interruption. So, I wait for Ania to go to sleep. So, that gives me time for a quick blogpost.

The four sentences from the last blogpost... they are comprised of Ania's sight words. She can read all four sentences! She is up to 55 sight words. She's not exactly fitting into the box with her academic skills at school. They have a very set way they like to see children learn to read. First you learn the names of the letters. She almost has them learned. Then you learn the sounds of the letters. She cannot associate the letters with the sounds they make to save her life. Then you learn to put words together or take words apart phonetically. Not happening.

I figured out last spring that she had an amazing ability to do sight words when she showed me that she knew all her classmates names. So I've casually taught her some other sight words, up until about two weeks ago, when we started trying harder. You can hand her a newspaper and she can pick her words out in a snap. She loves it. We're adding new ones almost every day.

I mentioned her sight words to a lady at the school that works with her significantly and is discouraged because she hasn't learned the sounds. I asked her, "Did you know she has 50 sight words? Maybe we should shift gears and work in that direction for a while?" I was informed that "we do have a phonics based language." No kidding. A few other patronizing comments later (it was stunning), I was ready to ... hmm. I was not happy. Welcome my first negative experience with the public schools. It's actually a long story including the IEP and meetings with other school staff and another appointment next week. To protect the somewhat innocent I'll just leave it at that. Bottom line: Ania's making great progress.

What do they have in common?

2011-02-14T20:43:00.000-08:00

I like to color.

I love my teeth.

I like my math book.

I love fat boys.

What do these four sentences have in common? There might be chocolate for the right answer ...

I just have to say ... I had a great Valentine's Day!

(Except the part where Jason at work dropped his knife on the back of my hand when I was putting his stuff away on a low shelf. I didn't want him to feel bad, so I hid the blood.)

Speaking of work (aka freejob), I love it. The whole PT scene is awesome. I'm so excited about being on the right job path. Hope, hope, hoping to get into the program this fall.

Collin Cleaned His Room Just Now. Like, really cleaned it.

2011-02-12T20:51:00.000-08:00

The best part of my week:

when my five hour study session on Monday was interrupted by my sweet friend bringing me a study care package filled with healthy snacks and Starbucks espresso roast! I had just started a timed, online exam so I couldn't even invite her in to visit. Right before the test started I was wishing for something to snack on but there wasn't anything good in the house. Then she knocks at the door. Ahhhh, it totally made my day. Thank you Jessica!

The other best part of my week:

when a friend came and picked up Ania, took her home, let her play with puppies and bake birthday cupcakes. Quickest way to my heart? Love my Ani-girl and let me study at the same time. Thank you Rhonda!

Another best thing:

when totally cool teenage boys give my non-driving people rides. Enter Josh and Nathan on Sunday morning. Going to church fell apart in the final hour for me, but Alissa still really wanted to go. We text a couple friends. New Favorite Person: JoshNathan! I have chocolate for you. Or else there's the night Braden gave Ania a ride home from Ferndale, again. On his birthday, no less. Ania thinks he's the best. Thanks guys!

And you don't even know:

how great it is to have the best A&P study friend and fellow cat dissector on the planet. Together we got an average of 98% on the huge lab exam last week. Together we took two legs off Vampire Bob and got to see the articulating surface of the kitty femur. Together (today) we put away five hours of studying, lattes, breakfast, and lunch. Thanks Sara!

One last best thing:

birthday party lands at our house. I love it when these guys make themselves at home. They're the perfect house guests. Quiet as could be so the little girls can fall asleep on a school night. They even cooperate when I show up with the camera for a photo shoot. They're the best. Happy Birthday, Braden.

Deja vu Flashy Thing

2011-02-03T21:05:00.000-08:00

I walked in on this scene a couple nights ago. Mia sitting with Ania at the end of Ani's bed. Mia with her 800 page book, the sixth in the series she started a couple months ago, and Ania with her 12 page early reader. Ania making lots of noise and motion, Mia completely undistracted, so fully absorbed in her book that I could hardly get her to look up for the picture. Mia wearing her princess outfit to bed, Ani in her monkey pajamas. It is sooo them.

You know how a body, when it experiences freezing temperatures, focuses all it's attention to keep it's core and vital organs alive? I'm thinking that's what's happening in my head. Except I'm not cold. I'm learning TONS of stuff in my A&P class, and my three other classes, deal with badlifecrap on a regular basis ... maybe a bit much for my little brain to keep track of, so it's focusing all its attention on keeping A&P and the kids alive, and all the peripheral information is out the window.

So, today, I did the blondest thing I have ever done. Ever. It was ten thirty this morning and I had fed everybody hours ago and was just getting around to eating my own breakfast. There were 2 frozen waffles (I did. I fed my kids frozen waffles. All my cooking time is going toward studying too.) left and I was going to eat them. So, as I was about to make them, I needed to run off and do something else for one of the kids, and I came back to the kitchen about a half hour later to toast my icky waffles, and they were gone. I look everywhere. Freezer. Fridge. Counters. Stairs. Office. (maybe I took them with me when I got called away) They were nowhere. So I look in the freezer again. I call downstairs to Collin. Did you eat my waffles? (he had already had 4, so I doubted it) Did he put them away? Did he know where they are? He comes upstairs. Observes that they are nowhere. Tells me to chill, and goes back downstairs. Geez. I look in the freezer again. Fridge again. Counters again. I get a new box of them out of the freezer. (yes, I bought two boxes) And then ...

it was kindof like a deja vu, only instead of a whole scene that lasts a few seconds ... it was like the quickest little flashy-deja vu thing ever. I could not believe it. I froze where I was standing in the kitchen. No one was there ... but I actually put both hands over my mouth and had shocked eyes. I had eaten them! I remember none of it except the little flashy of my pretty red plate that Tara gave me for my birthday that I always try to use when it's clean cause it makes me feel fancy, and the syrup and one little square of waffle. I had cooked them (if you can call toasting cooking) and syruped them and cut them into squares as if they were for Ania and eaten them in the kitchen while I talked to my mom on the phone.

At first I thought ... I'm not going to tell anyone. It would remain a skeleton in my closet forever. But it was waffles. Really? Keep waffle forgetting a secret? When it could make someone else feel really good about themselves 'cause they don't forget 15 minutes of their lives that happened 30 minuted ago. So I texted Collin from the kitchen down to his room. He texted back: Wowwwwww...... (can you hear his voice saying that?) and he turns around and puts my skeleton waffles on facebook. Thank you very much. So, I might as well blog about it so that in a year, when you all wonder when my dementia had its origination, you'll know it was the waffles.

Zucchini Baby

2011-01-28T20:22:00.000-08:00

Sorry, Lis. I didn't have any recent pictures of you that I haven't already used ... so I got into the old ones. What was Zucchini Baby's name? Or did we name them? Ha!

The real reason for this post, other than humiliation, is to say that Alissa made it through her first real, honest to goodness FINALS week! Woo-hoo! We loved looking for the names of obscure enzymes at 11:30 at night! Way to go. Way to move on from Zucchini Babies to Geometry and German and Honors Biology. Way to finish the semester well.

I'm proud of you.

Last and First

2011-01-24T19:55:00.000-08:00

My last child to lose her first tooth.

Toothless looks cute on her.

Other than the tooth ... last week included all the thrills of broken pipes and mr nice guy plumber, a meeting with the biology teacher, doctor appointments and antibiotics, job shadowing hours, way too long at the orthodontist's office, five exams, studying til midnight ... ahhhh. A much better week than the week before!

Go Ahead and Tell Me

2011-01-14T22:16:00.000-08:00

Yep. Go ahead and tell me how absolutely beautiful my kids are! Bring it on.

My first day at Performance Physical Therapy was totally it! I loved it. And I'm so excited to love it, cause I really wanted to love it, but I just didn't know if I would love it. And it would so stink to have not loved it and start over on writing my plans.

Other than that, my last couple days have provided rather unbelievable opportunities to have a lot of guts and deal with some really ugly stuff. In the end, I think its bringing good closure to some things and gives new freedom to move on. It's good. It's just "weird day" stuff.

Just Going with It

2011-01-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

According to my professor last night, this is hell week. Which clarifies a few things for me. Cause I'm feeling it. Getting a D+ on my first Anatomy & Physiology exam that I put no less than 20 hours into studying for was, um ... sad. I have more homework online than I can really sort out. And unrelated to school, a weird visit in my living room with someone I don't know, telling me things that are, um ... weird. Things that are both irrelevant and yet central? I'm going with irrelevant.

A couple friends have asked me, how do you do it? To be totally busy with school and kids and planning for my future while being divorced at the same time. The honest answer: I have no idea. Am I doing it? What exactly am I doing? It's one of those times in life where you don't really have time to think about the next thing you need to do because the thing in front of you needs doing first.

The good news is that my D+ was above average for the class. It was a bad test. They're implementing a new online program through the textbook company. He said that the next test will tell him if it was a bad test or if we're all really stupid.

The other good news is that I got a position at the physical therapy office that I really wanted to do my job shadowing hours in. All, hopefully, 150 hours if I want. Ten hours a week for four months.

Grace and Alissa

December 2010

Deny It

2011-01-05T22:27:00.000-08:00

The real thing I should be doing is studying. But I'm denying it. The next thing I should really be doing is sleeping. But I'm denying that too. Sometimes blogging isn't about writing or recording family life or a creative outlet. Sometimes its just the easiest thing to do when you're in denial about all the other things you should be doing. Which is me right now.

Things I love in random order (not including my own kids or God):

Collin's curls.
Borrowing that sweatshirt he's wearing in the picture.
Having all 5 kids home at the same time (which is happening as we speak!)
Finishing a run.
Going to zumba.
Ania's squeaky doll laugh.
Tenth Avenue North
That Alissa's learning German and we can talk in front of her friends. Even about them.
Learning science stuff in my classes.
Thinking about the future ... even tomorrow.
Yankee Candles.
That my parents would do anything for me.
Dried mangoes.
Kaisha's hair.
Collin's friends.
My Sig Sauer.
That Mia is so stinking smart.
Taking another class from Dr. Elliott.
Watching Alissa race.
Where I live.
The basketball abs workout thing at the gym.
My lab partner, Sara.
Kaisha's creativity and sense of style and photography and writing.
That my friend knits socks for me.
Having nothing to hide.
Comforting Ania.
Mia's teacher.
That Collin just cleaned his shower without me asking.
Kat's and Amanda's blogs.
That my kids have the coolest uncle.
Getting into bed at night.
The scarf Kaisha brought me from England.
My boots.
Sitting around joking with my three oldest kids all at once.
Jack Bauer.
One of the kids being exposed to the stomach flu and then not getting it.
A clean house.

Write 5 things you love in the comments. Be random. Not your top 5 things. Just any 5 things.

Picture credit: Dylan. Or Molly with Dylan's camera?

Lunch Box

2010-12-30T18:21:00.000-08:00

I copied Kaisha. She does cool random things that makes you want to copy. Like taking pictures of herself in the mirror or wading in the bay wearing a fancy dress.

In a couple of days I start back to school. I took chemistry last quarter. This quarter I have to take fifteen credits. I'm not exactly sure how to pull it off with the single mom of 5 kids thing going at the same time. But maybe its like cliff diving, where you just have to jump and hope like crazy its going to work out. I'll be breathing anatomy and physiology. My lab partner (gone lifelong friend) will be holding my hand through cat dissection. Here kitty, kitty ...

The big picture is a job that'll buy food and heat. My goal is to start the physical therapy assistant program this coming fall. It's a competitive entry program, so we'll see. Five consecutive full time quarters (they say 17-19 credits). Two years from right now to be finished. The academic stuff is fine. It's the academic stuff combined with taking care of the people that live in my house that is a little unsettling. It helps that I'm gushing with love for my kids and totally in love with helping them through life. And I'm happy. Happy in a way I didn't know I could be. Now if I can just keep from getting in a dither with the busyness that's just around the corner. Pray for me.

My Girls

2010-12-26T22:18:00.000-08:00

Ah! I love my girls. It was complete joy to spend 5 days basking in the sun on Maui beaches with them. And going through cute shops in Lahaina, eating gelato, and discovering Cinnamon Girl. It was heavenly. Take the three of us away from busyness and stress and school and Bellingham, and we get along like one person. Add sweet friend Kat to the mix and you would not believe the giggles. Did we stay up until 2AM laughing that night? Oh, my goodness. I haven't laughed so hard in years.

Fast forward to today. Another dose of girl-loving fun. Kaisha and I studying at Starbucks for a couple hours together. Driving around looking for a party at the knitting store that didn't happen. Sacked out in her living room talking about nothing that either of us remember by now. It was heavenly.

Then Alissa and I cooked a late, spicy dinner and stayed up late watching a movie that made us laugh and roll our eyes and have a great debate about Jacob and Edward. You gotta love people that sparkle in the sunshine.

My Kaishy (as Mia and Ani call her) turned 21 on Christmas Eve! Amazing.

Jagger Rocks and You Can Now Eat the Kisses

2010-12-25T21:08:00.000-08:00

Ania and Christmas had a love/not-so-love relationship this year.

She loved that Christmas exists. "Woo-hoo!"
Not-so-loved that it kept not arriving. We decorated the tree. "Is it Christmas?"
Well, we're decorating and starting to celebrate, but it's still 25 days until Christmas.

She loved that presents were wrapped and put under the tree. "Is this for me?"
Yes!
Not-so-loved "Can I open it?"
Not yet.

She loved that we got to sleep under the tree on Christmas Eve.
But I still had stocking stuffers to wrap and I kept not not-so-loved coming to sleep under the tree. "You coming, mommy?"
Pretty soon. Not yet.

Can we start sleeping under the tree if I do this?

Ok. How about I sit by my bed under the tree, close my eyes, and deny that you all aren't coming?

Maybe if I get in my bed you all will come?

Yay! Her people finally showed up for the sleeping party!

Earlier on Christmas Eve, the relatives started arriving. Even the Seattle ones.

Pizza potluck. Organized by my mom, but at our house. Here's who came:

Mom. Dad. Caroline. Brian. Lakya. Jon. Ronee. Jagger. Jaxson. Aaron. Jenny. Lynn. Madelyn. Julia. Ryan. Tony. Sandra. Darren. Caroline. Landon. Kohl. Chance. Tom. Janet. Kelsey. Eli. Hannah. Tessa. John. Nancy. Cody. Melissa. Kati. Matt. Kylie. Kaisha. Collin. Alissa. Mia. Ania. Me.

Forty-one of us.

Meet my new favorite relative, Jagger. My cousin's son. I fell in love with this 8 year old. Really, I thought Mia talked incessantly because she's a girl. No. It's because she's related to Jagger! I learned more about my cousin, Jon, in 40 minutes with Jagger, than in all my 40 years hanging out with Jon.

Do you have any hideous ornaments that you have to put on the tree anyway because they represent the world to you? Meet yellow angel. I still think she's beautiful, but my kids have mocked her, to my face, for so many years, I'm getting the picture.

When I was in 3rd grade my family moved during the school year from Vashon Island back to Bellingham. I thought I was going to die. I was so sad. Not long after the move, my sweet old lady neighbor from the island, sent this angel to me. I can still remember folding back the tissue paper to see what was in the package. I don't remember the neighbor's name, but, ahhhhh, this angel tells me that maybe this sad world just might be ok after all.

I love these gingerbread men because Aunt Blondy made them.

And now that Christmas is over, you kids can eat the kisses!

Lucky Charm Marshmallows

2010-12-22T22:34:00.000-08:00

This morning seems like yesterday.

Fast paced. Full days. Loving life. Looking forward.

I love Christmas.

Fixin' Stuff

2010-12-21T22:10:00.001-08:00

Collin (18), Kristine, Ania (5), Kaisha (almost 21), Alissa (14)

At a friend's house. She always takes a picture of families when they come for a meal. We have pictures in front of this fireplace from when the big kids were babies. (Mia was at a friend's house until later.)

Obsessed is a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated.~Braden

Cleaned the gutters.

Put moss killer on the roof.

Fixed the garage door so it doesn't take 10 minutes to close.

Reprogrammed the garage keyless entry pad that wasn't working, which required a lonnnng time on the phone with tech support.

Figured out why the basement fireplace wouldn't come on, and fixed it.

Listened to the hopeless grinding noise the van door makes when it locks and made an appointment with the dealership.

Reprogrammed the keypad on the gun safe.

Retaught me how to load the magazine and unload the chamber.

Put a lock on the shot gun.

Pressure washed the front walkway and driveway.

Made phone calls to the home security system people, taking steps toward getting it up and running.

Helped Alissa tidy and sweep the garage.

That is what Dylan, Braden, Collin, and Grant got done at my house today.

They are AMAZING! I love these guys.

I Stole a Picture

2010-12-20T00:10:00.000-08:00

I could NOT resist! I stole this picture from Dylan's facebook page. These are nine of my all time favorite people in the entire world. It sounds like I'm speaking in superlative, but I'm honestly not. If you asked, who are your favorite young adults in the entire world? ... I would have picked these nine kids.

As a matter of fact ... all nine of them actually slept here last night! They're the best.

Ok. From left to right:

Alissa: i love this girl! (See the post from yesterday.) She's tough. Beautiful. Feels life deeply. Fiercely committed to what she loves. Swims fast. Is going to be the coolest adult ever. You'd want her on your team. Life is boring (and a little quieter) unless Alissa is in the room.

Dylan: the most thoughtful person I know, sharing the honor with his mom. Sensible. Dependable. I'd entrust my babies to him in a burning building any day. Even a few years back we had a standing rule at our house ... if Dylan (or Grant) invites Collin to go do something, the answer is always yes. We talk a lot. He makes me want to fly helicopters. Dylan's my Favorite Person so often that he's close to getting disqualified.

Gracee: sweet. She is the personification of sweetness. I've cried over missing her more than I've cried over missing anybody. The physical distance between her and Alissa since they were little has tortured me. She is the best friend Alissa could ever find. I would carry Alissa across the country to spend half a day with this girl.

Grant: he's far more amazing than his insane ability to run ultramarathons. He's funny. I have laughed more at texts from Grant than any other non-family type person. He officially has a room in our house (ok, so it's more like a closet) and I do wish he would occupy it someday. He's a hard worker, smart in school, knows where he's going and is carrying a ton of fun with him to get there.

Collin: perfect. If I wrote up a list of grievances he's committed from the first day he was born until today, it would be far less than his sisters' lists added together and multiplied by 12. When I was pregnant (sorry to say pregnant when I'm talking about you, Collin) I told God that I would take a boy, just one boy, as long as he was calm and quiet and close to perfect. One year, when a heap of families were camping in Idaho, the 20 or so kids got in a tussle about something and the parents and kids all had a big meeting to talk it over. I sat down, having no clue what had happened and noticed that Collin wasn't there. I leaned over to Grant and asked where Collin was. He said, "Collin's down at the beach. He didn't need to come." I asked him why not? Grant said, "Mrs. Thomas, Collin's perfect."

Caleb: Caleb is soft-hearted and passionate and artistic. He studies photography and is really good. He's passionate about political stuff and right and wrong and what's best for a country and what's not. He's funny and not afraid to be himself in front of me. He's smart in science. And an amazing self-taught computer guy gone professional. I can think of four careers that he would be awesome at if he ever decided to move on from what he's doing now.

Hannah: she's a lively child. She laughs a lot, but never too much. She brightens up a room. She's analytical and loves people. She's brave and forgiving. She's an artist and a dancer. Creative. She's all sparkles but can totally do mud. She tells me about her friends at school and makes me want to meet them. If I were her grade school teacher I would write on her report card that "she's a pleasure to have in class" and I would really mean it.

Kaisha: a different person than she was a couple years ago. In all the right ways. She's been through hell, if you don't mind my saying so. She's coming out shining and beautiful. She has an ability to hold up under pressure in a way I never imagined. She's all soft and gentle on the outside, but is all guts and iron on the inside. If you think you have her figured out, you're wrong. If you mess with her, you might walk away thinking you've won, but it's a sad illusion. She's actually kicked your butt.

Braden: just started coming around a couple months ago and now he's requesting bath towels and borrowing clothes. The guys gang up on him. They can make this Navy Seal bound, totally focused, in shape, intense, incredibly intelligent weapon owner sound like a dork because he can't twirl a pencil around his finger like Collin can. But he takes it. Then they give him a bunch of crap for the way he taps the table when he talks. He takes that too. Braden's cool. And I'm hoping it will rub off on the other guys.

Clipsa

2010-12-19T13:08:00.000-08:00

I make comments on my blog about my girl that might give the faint of heart reason to be uneasy. Things related to the difficulty of being in the presence of someone who is intensely fourteen. But I assure you ...

I adore this person. And she knows it.

If I was going to war she'd be the first person I'd pick to be on my team.

Ok ... so, ya, maybe Braden would be first, but Lis definitely next.

She has more fun in one day that most people have in a year.

She's deep and serious. She thinks and asks amazing questions. She's smart.

She can take a lot. Things matter to her. She loves Jesus.

My world is a better place because she's in it.

The Deal with Maui

2010-12-19T00:21:00.000-08:00

Maui loved us. Every minute of the trip was perfect. Every bad thing that could have happened, didn't happen. We didn't even spill any milk or get sunburned or get lost driving. It was perfect.

About 4 years ago I started saving air miles to "take the big kids to Hawaii" someday. About four months ago, on a good day, we bought 5 tickets to Maui. Three and a half of them were free. Not too long after we bought the tickets, life ... um ... changed and we weren't sure if we could still go ... money-wise. If we could find a cheap enough place to stay we might be able to swing it. I inboxed a friend who lives there and asked her if she could find a cheap but not icky place we could make reservations.

Kat and Chris called a couple days later and invited us to stay with them. Really? Are you sure? We're a lot of people. They didn't really even know the kids other than childhood memories. Five nights is a long time. It was sooooo incredibly nice. More than nice. I still can't believe they welcomed us like they did. And staying with them was definitely the BEST part of Maui. Palm trees are cool. Beaches are amazing. But these two people are the best.

The combination of Collin and Chris was my favorite part of the trip. They were better than watching TV. Chris should be Collin's big brother. There's 7 years difference. They have some memories of a family vacation we took together when they were both little. (Where was Tyler?) I knew we were going to have fun within the first 10 minutes of watching them play Mario Kart. Collin has never been so humiliated on a video game in his life and Chris enjoyed every second of it. Collin can take it. Did you ever win a single game?

My other favorite part was watching Chris take in Alissa. That can be like watching TV too. On our second day he said something about Alissa being funny and he was looking forward to the week. Whew. I was so glad. Not everyone can find the "funny" in a fourteen year old. Maybe especially when they are living with you? And I loved, by the end, watching Kat be big sisterly to her. Explaining life, answering some of Alissa's silly questions that the rest of us have a bad habit of ignoring.

Bonus: time with the Langleys. Dave and Joyce invited us for dinner the first night we were there while Chris and Kat were both at work. Dave bbq'd steak. Their condo opens right onto the beach. The sun set. It was warm and tropical and beautiful. And they are two of the most generous, kind, totally fun people ever. They spend part of the fall in Maui every year and the rest of the year at their home on the lake only a couple miles from where we live. The kids spend time every summer at their lake house swimming with friends and riding the jet ski. Did I mention kind and generous? The kids love them as much as I do.

Kat . Dave . Joyce . Chris

All 8 of us went out to dinner to Bubba Gumps in Lahiana on our last night. The seafood was fabulous. We had such a good time. Dave insisted on paying and Joyce kept telling the kids to order anything they wanted. Did I say generous and kind?

Beach pictures coming soon.

I have this friend ...

2010-12-17T23:11:00.000-08:00

... she's taking hits from every side. Its uncanny really. How can it happen that the three or four agonizingly painful pieces of her life all show up acutely in one day? One evening actually? She called a few minutes ago. She only had a second. Explained what was up. Crying and trying like heck not to. I got it. I've walked through every unrelated part of her story over the past few years. Only a couple people know the whole mess. I wish I could tell you. It'd be a good read, but sortof depressing at first. On the phone, I did what any good girlfriend would do. I told her everything will be ok, that today has got to be the worst of it, don't feel bad for feeling so sad, you're doing a good job, and a few other things that are totally true too. Then I hung up and cried.

She's so brave. Brave and full of guts. I wish I could tell you. Her story would inspire you to greatness. Kindof like Braveheart, only without the blood. Maybe someday, when there's an end written, there'll be a movie made. You could bring your box of tissues and be amazed. You'd leave the theater and notice that the sky is a little bluer, the grass a little greener, and you'd be a little more confident that there is a God out there that writes our stories in a way we would never chose for a purpose we would do anything to be a part of.

Btw: one year ago today, Tiffany died. Remember her with us. Tell Kaisha you love her.

Candy Makes Everything Right

2010-12-17T19:25:00.000-08:00

yesterday

candy & gingerbread

grace, hannah & caleb ... montana came to our house

kaisha & four friends ... dave from scotland

collin, the groom & four groomsmen ... movies, food, midnight

home from maui

hugging my little girls

everything's right

Always and Never on a Tree Farm

2010-12-08T14:24:00.000-08:00

Well, Kaisha is almost a snob about it. Ask her roomie. If its not a REAL Christmas tree, CUT down on a tree farm, then why bother? So we did the same thing we always do, at the same tree farm we usually go to, except this time it was almost dark. It was the only time all our schedules lined up together.

We always have to go past a dozen good trees before we agree on one.

Collin always tells us its too tall and tries to sell us on the merits of short trees.

We're always cold.

We always get candy canes.

The kids always bicker. And I always try to get them not to.

Ania always wants to be carried.

Mia is always Miss Happy Go Lucky.

We never pick the first tree we see.

Kaisha has never been more adorably dressed.

Alissa has never looked like a vampire in the picture before. (top pic)

Ania's never before been ok with walking the whole time.

Alissa cut the tree down. And it took 3 of us to carry it out.

And just for the record, Collin thought I was still using a really slow shutter speed and so he was trying to make a blurry image. I had actually switched to the flash. Priceless.

And a new tradition was ushered in! The old tradition has been popcorn and ice cream for dinner when we decorate the tree. This year ... enter sushi! We had all different kinds of sushi together. Kaisha was able to get most of us to use chopsticks. We watched Toy Story 3. Had tropical sorbet for dessert. A definite new tradition to look forward to next year!

Infrequent Posting

2010-11-24T23:39:00.000-08:00

Pretend that these pictures actually make up 4 or 5 separate blogposts. Short is better. But short requires frequency, of which I have none. Life at our house. Lately:

This guy, one of Collin's more amazing friends (no slam on Braden intended), consistently makes my days. He came over the other day to unsqueak all the doors so they wouldn't wake sleeping little girls. He even brought his own hammer. On Sunday Dylan came with Collin to unstick my silly van from the snow. I stink at driving in the snow. One day he chatted with Mia in the freezing cold while she was sledding. A while back he went to the grocery store for me! And he hangs out and talks. Flying helicopters, future plans, chemistry, black ops, squeaky doors, Colli-boo ... you know, stuff like that. And if I need anything, I'll call him.

Ok. It's what we're all thinking so I'm just going to say it. Kaisha is adorable. Beautiful. Her hair is like always right out of a Martha Stewart magazine ... or something. She's dresses unpredictably cute. She buys me my own half gallon of peppermint ice cream! Not to share. She comes over when I can't stop crying and helps me clean up my tissue mess. Listens to my woman's version of life that poor Collin seriously needs a break from. Says just one or two things that are the perfect one or two things. And before you know it we're all off to Starbucks. Ahhhh ... Kaisha is tops.

Can she even be normal for a picture? I asked her to try. She came pretty close.

Alissa was invited to swim in China. The letter starts out like this: Compete Internationally in one of the OLDEST CIVILIZATIONS on EARTH......CHINA during Spring Vacation! How cool is that? Raising $3000 by spring break seems a bit unlikely, but maybe half the fun is being asked. Her other piece of coolness for the week was getting to hang out at Starbucks Monday night with some of the Young Life peeps after the regular fun was cancelled by the snow. Megan's parents keep her in rides to make it happen.

If you get up close to Collin and look intently at his eyes you will find the most amazing pupils. I'm not kidding. Well, first you would notice his eye lashes. They are so long. Any girl would die for them. But his pupils are always huge! Twice the size of the poor person with less beautiful eyes standing next to him in the same light and everything. Oh, and did you know? I have all these friends (I can think of 3 right off the bat, but I know there's more) that are talking to me behind his back about trying to get their 8 to 10 year old girls married off to him! I'm not kidding. The mom's think he's the nicest, sweetest, coolest teenage boy ever. "You don't think 10 years difference in age is too much, do you?" I hear it all the time.

I love this picture of Mia. See her silly bands? They're all the rage from grade school to high school. Mia had only 2 days of school this week. Sick on Monday, early release on Tuesday and Wednesday, and Thanksgiving break. She's been reading a lot. I've forced her into a break from her favorite genre. Banned until January 1st. I think she'll be ok though.

See my new boots?

She loves them so much she is sleeping with them. Right now. As I type. But don't worry. The doors don't squeak anymore. She won't wake up. Shhhhh.

Life Sometimes Sparkles

2010-11-19T22:59:00.000-08:00

So we went out to a fancy dinner.

We had 8pm reservations.

We had an old gift certificate needing to be used up.

So it was free.

We dressed up all cute and tootsie.

Kaisha can do her hair ten different, amazing ways in, like, ten seconds.

Kaisha and her hair are amazing.

We sat by the window and watched the sparkly lights in the harbor.

And, shock of shocks! It started snowing!

Yay! We love the snow!

We can't believe it!

Sparkly lights AND fancy food AND snow all on the same night?

Although, we did have sore throats and talking was slightly limited.

So the two of us ...

... watched a lot of fourteen.

It looks fun to be fourteen. Alissa does it very well.

Garlic prawns. Seafood platters. Yummmmm.

You know its a fancy food when at the end you aren't really full.

But the flavors ... oh, it makes it so worth it!

And then home to play in the snow.

Fourteen and beautiful.

In the snow in the dark in her hat and in my warmer than anything boots.

Even Welly loves the snow.

He just doesn't show it in photographs.

I think we'll all sleep good tonight.